gloriousrandomness

lately i'm alright...and lately i'm not scared...

2008-12-02T21:28:00.004-06:00

so, it's been quite a while since i've written anything. this has been a crazy year. i can't believe that my sweet baby girl is already a year old. it really does seem like i just blinked and she went from baby to toddler. she is the sweetest, funniest, cuddliest, amazing little person i've ever known. matt and i are both blessed much more than we deserve. when i found out we were going to have her, i was scared to death. and i've spent most of the last year being scared. i finally figured out that it's not her i've been scared of this whole time.
...it's me. i'm scared i won't be a good mom. i'm scared i won't know what to do. i'm scared i can't take care of her like she needs me to. i'm scared i'll warp her for life. i just want to be the best wife and mother i can possibly be. and sometimes that takes real effort.
work today was crazy and exhausting. tomorrow is not going to be much easier. tonight, i realized just how much my work affects my family. i'm going to try to stop bringing things home with me. that's a very hard task when you're a social worker and it's your job to hear and handle other people's problems all day. i'm not really sure what i was wanting to say tonight. i think i've just missed writing and i wanted to be sure that i still knew how. i still know...i just wonder if i'll ever be semi-good at it.

did you notice when the clock stopped running?

2007-11-15T15:32:00.000-06:00

so, i've been slacking on my page quite a bit. it's not because there's nothing to say...it's because there is everything to say and i have no idea where to start.

i'm having a baby tomorrow morning. while i'm extremely ready for her to be here, i'm not sure i'm prepared to be a mama. i mean, i still feel like a kid. i was just getting used to the wife thing when we found out about eva kate. and while we couldn't be happier, we just didn't have the whole parent thing mapped out yet.

i hope that we give her what she needs...and i hope that we know what she needs. i hope that we're responsible enough to actually take care of a tiny human. i hope that we have enough sense not to run out of diapers. i hope we can wade through the huge amounts of advice we've been given and pick out what will really work. i hope that she's happy and that she feels loved 100% of the time. i hope that she will be weird like her parents...otherwise we won't have much to talk about when she gets older. but most of all, i hope she loves us as much as we love her.

there are a lot of things i'm worried about. i'm worried if we can afford her. i'm worried if we'll know what to do with her. i'm worried that i won't know what her cries mean. i'm worried that i won't know what to do or say when she comes to me with the difficult questions. i'm worried that the surgery goes well. i'm worried that she'll have trouble with her blood sugar. i'm worried that...well, i'm just worried. but, i am not worried about her father. he is going to be, actually he already is, the best daddy i could've ever imagined for my little girl. he loves her so much already...it's all over his face. it's in his voice. sometimes he just looks at my belly and smiles so big. he's the wise one. he's the leader of our family. i know he will be able to give her everything she needs. i just hope i can teach her how to cook. i think he's pretty much got everything else covered.

so, tomorrow is the big day. at 7 am, we will get to meet this tiny little person that we've been talking to and dreaming of for so long. we'll get to hold her and kiss her and just stare at her. our new family will be even newer when she gets here. it blows my mind just to think about it. i love her so much already...i can't imagine the feeling when i'll finally get to hold her in my arms.

i guess, you'd say...what can make me feel this way?

2007-09-29T11:18:00.000-05:00

so, my last post was a little off on the time thing. we had been married 5 1/2 months when we found OUT that we were going to be parents. now, we've been married for a year and almost 3 months. and in another 2, we'll have a baby girl. that's right...it's a GIRL. eva katherine (eva kate) should be here around the end of november. we're so excited. her room is mostly ready (oh, by the way...we bought a house in august) and we're trying to learn as much as we can about actually taking care of a baby. it's a little scary when you think about it. so, we've been really busy and are so excited for our little girl. everyone we know is pregnant. it's crazy. but, we're all doing good and can't wait for the weeks to keep flying by.

i never write anymore...

2007-06-17T21:28:00.000-05:00

so, i know it's been a while. it seems like time has flown from the time i got engaged until now. we've barely been married 5 1/2 months and now...we're having a baby. we are so excited. our due date is november 24. we find out if it's a girl or a boy on june 26th. hopefully, i'll be able to post about that visit before i actually have the baby! i truly apologize for being such a slacker. it just seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. speaking of not enough hours, i'm off to bed. this pregnancy is zapping my energy.

...and now i see.

2007-02-16T17:25:00.000-06:00

so, in case you haven't heard...I'M MARRIED! haha...so, maybe i've been neglecting this blog for a very long time. i've just been enjoying life...planning a wedding, moving, getting married and being a newlywed. and it's been absolutely amazing. i never knew i could love life this much. so much has happened since my last post, that i don't even know where to start. we got a new kitten (kind of by accident)...so we're also busy being parents to the old cat (alli) and the new baby cat (dinah). things are also going really good for matt's band. im so excited that they are happy with what they are doing...and i think God is happy, too. i've changed jobs...well, i still work for the same hospital. i guess i just changed departments. anyway, i've gone from working with kids at school to working with the elderly in an outpatient psychiatric program. i like both...i've yet to decide which one i like the most. i got to go to houston last weekend with the guys and we had SUCH fun. well, i did...i guess they did, too. i enjoyed doing what we were there for, but i REALLY enjoyed getting to go shopping! the woodlands has some great shops.
on another note...everyone i know is pregnant. i think it's an epidemic. what's up with that?
so, to sum things up...i'm sorry i've been gone so long and i'm quite sure that there is no one left that actually reads this thing. but just in case there is...life is good.

so in case you haven't heard....

2005-12-30T17:35:00.000-06:00

...i'm ENGAGED!

it's a long way down...to the place where we started from.

2005-12-19T23:57:00.000-06:00

i can't believe it's been almost a year. it's been by far, the best year of my life...it's just gone by so quickly. i laugh now when i think how scared i was. i used to get this sick, nervous feeling in my stomach every time the words tried to come out of my mouth and i'd wrap my arms around myself tighter and tighter...trying to hold them inside just a little while longer. when they finally came spewing out, it was like i was some child eager to tell something they know they aren't supposed to. it was awkward, hilarious, honest, scarey, amazing and about a million other things all at once. i've never been so sure i was going to throw up in my entire life...but somehow, i didn't. words don't even begin to come close to what i've learned about myself, life, and love over the past year or so...so i won't even try. just know that God has given me a gift that i don't deserve, but i will do my best to make sure that i honor that gift with the respect and love that it deserves. i'm more thankful than anyone could ever know.

breathe in deeper now...

2005-10-12T06:24:00.000-05:00

i was taking a shower the other day and realized i hadn’t used my exfoliating scrub stuff in a while. so, i grabbed it and as i did…i looked at what the bottle said – ‘exfoliates & purifies'. i thought…hmm…isn’t this just what God does for us? he cleanses us…scrubs away all of the dead stuff on the surface to reveal the shiny new beautiful stuff underneath.

so, as i was rubbing some into my leg (and inhaling the nice grapefruit fragrance) i felt my leg getting hot. i was startled at first, but then remembered that it was self-heating. it’d been so long since i’d used it that i forgot about that part. the more you rub, the hotter it gets on your skin. and again, i thought…that’s how we work.

we let stuff build up. and we don’t pray. it doesn’t bother us at first. then, by the time we start to notice…it’s gotten pretty bad and we decide to do something about it. so, we pray. we ask God to take this stuff from us. we ask Him to take away all of our impurities and make us clean again. but, we forget. we forget that it hurts. it hurts to get rid of stuff. sometimes we’re still holding on. sometimes He has to scrub extra hard. we forget that the harder we pray, the harder things get.

things usually heat up before they get better.

and the longer we hold on to things, the harder it is to let go of them. Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we don’t have to. He has already been through everything we’ll ever have to go through. He is standing there with outstretched arms asking us to hand over our burdens…it’s up to us when we choose to lay them down.

i just want you to know who i am.

2005-10-12T06:17:00.000-05:00

a lot can happen over time. trends change. friends drift. friends become closer. people grow up. and growing up and growing together hurts. when you haven’t known someone your whole life, there’s always that‘life before they were in it’. it’s that uncomfortable subject that nobody wants to talk about, but you both know is there. it’s the black cloud hanging over the room.

when you become so close to someone that you can’t remember your life before they were in it, it hurts to hear things about their life pre-you. and whether it’s some jaw-dropping story or some mundane detail, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt if it’s left out. and someone’s feelings are going to get hurt because they weren’t part of it. it’s a no-win situation.

and when you’re learning about each other, it’s important to keep what you already know in focus. you know this person. you love this person. if you find out that they spiked their hair and listened to the cure in high school, you can’t hold that against them. it has nothing to do with your relationship. they are still the same person that you know and fell in love with.

it’s good to know and learn about each other’s pasts because it helps you understand where they’ve been and how they’ve become the person that they are. but it’s also dangerous to learn these things because it’s very easy to let yourself become fixated on things from the past. it’s easy to think that you don’t like the set of friends they used to hang out with and judge them for that. it will create distance, even if you don’t mean for it to.

these ‘questions about the past’ aren’t questions to be asked carelessly or answered recklessly. these are questions that will directly affect your relationship. they should be asked only if you are prepared to hear the answers. and they should be answered honestly. because once they’re answered honestly, you’ll have to deal with the answers. and if your relationship can handle that kind of raw honesty, chances are…it can handle anything.

God hears your sighs and counts your tears...

2005-09-08T12:07:00.000-05:00

with all of the bad stuff going on in our world right now, i thought i'd share something that brings a little sunshine to my day. i've mentioned this before, but i feel like it's worth mentioning again. daily, i check in on several kids that are receiving treatment at st. judes. this might seem depressing or sad, but i promise...i have received so many blessings and so much encouragement from just reading what these children and their parents are going through. it helps me in my daily walk. it helps me to put things in perspective. it helps me to see that if they can get through something that huge, then my normal little daily problems are just that...they're so tiny.

if you get a chance, i encourage you to stop by some of these sites. read their journals and see how faithful these children and their parents are. i just know you will be blessed by what they have to say. these websites are their ministries...they didn't choose them, but this is where they are. keep them all in your prayers. corbin just had a miraculous surgery. so did ashley. baby jake is having surgery in the morning. he needs our prayers. there's no way you won't fall in love with these babies the way i have.

also, on september 26, chili’s grill & bar will donate 100% of its profits from the day to st. Jude children’s research hospital. this special day is part of chili’s “create a pepper to fight childhood cancer” campaign that takes place throughout september. over the course of the month, chili's is asking its guests to donate $1 or more for the opportunity to color the chili's signature pepper logo that will be displayed in the restaurant. you can also go here to create a pepper in someone's name online. i encourage everyone to go out to chili's and take all of your friend's with you on the 26th...i'll see you there.

cause i've got nothing of my own to give to you, but this light that shines on me...shines on you and makes everything beautiful, again.

2005-07-31T20:28:00.000-05:00

so here lately i've been thinking a lot about worship. i've read some things other people have written (although i'll admit i haven't read nearly enough), and i've talked to people. i've also observed various forms of worship. and here's the deal: i think that people today (and by people i'm including the church as a whole sometimes) have a skewed idea as to what worship is even about or what it should be.

it isn't about those 20 minutes or so that are "penciled in" for worship on sunday morning. and it isn't about what songs are designated as "worship songs". it's about the state of our hearts and our minds. it's where we are as a people...individually and as a body of believers on an everday basis. whether we worship flat on our faces in tears, on our tiptoes with outstretched arms, or sitting quietly with eyes closed and smiling faces...it's the state of our hearts and minds that is ultimately important...not our body positions...and somehow that has become important to people in "modern day worship".

some churches don't believe you are actively worshipping unless you have hands outstretched at all times...and some churches think that's all for show. i think if you have to think about it at all...it's pointless. my boyfriend's band plays at a lot of churches, so i get to see a lot of different churches views on things. i actually witnessed a youth minister interrupt a reverent altar call a few weeks ago. he got up and grabbed a mic and said something to the effect of...'i only see a few people up here at this altar praying. now i know i see a few of you praying where you are. but some of you are sitting in the same spot you were in when you got here. now i'm not saying you're a bad christian if you're not up here praying, but i'm just saying that you need to think about what true worship really means.' of course, the pews emptied out and kids were crying...you know the deal. well, i felt bad for feeling this way...but i couldn't help but feel like he guilted those kids into that. and maybe they were all for real...but i couldn't help but think that some of them were only doing it to make him feel good about himself. you know...'i had my whole youth group at the altar last night so now i can brag on sunday morning.' well, i'm 26 years old and i know i'm supposed to set an example, but i couldn't help but feel anything other than disgust at that moment as i sat down on the pew in disbelief. i squinted my eyes up and just sat down and fumed for a few minutes. then i decided that wasn't the best way to deal with it, so i prayed for that guy. then i prayed really hard for the kids in his youth group. then i prayed for the woman he just got engaged to.

all of this to say...i don't think God is probably pleased with the way any of us worship these days. because we all have something on our minds other than Him at some point. i think we've made it about something other than Him. and i like the fact that there are people out there who are trying to get back to it being just about Him...it just seems like there aren't nearly enough of them out there. but, i think that as long as each individual worships from their heart and not according to what they see their neighbor doing or what their congregation feels is 'appropriate' for the 'chosen worship hymn', God will reward them. He is pleased when we honor Him. and we should honor Him with everything we do. worship is about so much more than songs. i think it's important that we all remember that...because somewhere along the way, it seems to get fuzzy sometimes.

and i know it's hard to praise Him in everything...even through rough and trying times. there are so many people hurting right now. how do you tell a mother and father whose baby has cancer that they should constantly praise Him? i can't imagine how hard that must be for them. yet, you should rejoice in all things. how unfair is it for the teenager whose mother has been sick her entire life and now recently passed away at such an early age...how fair is it to tell her it's more important to praise Him now than ever? how can she possibly understand? He deserves our praise no matter what life hands us.

He is the only thing that can bring us through the storm. He is the constant comforter and we should live our lives in a constant state of worship...not just for the 15-20 minutes set aside for it on a church program.

you come over unannounced...

2005-07-27T22:45:00.000-05:00

so, wow. it's been a while. see, i really was going to update sooner. i just got...busy. and every day i would think...i really need to update. and then i would find something else to do. but, you know...it's summer. i guess i needed a vacation from everything...including the blog.

in the meantime, i've had a birthday (happy 26th to me!)...i've spent 5 days on lake hamilton with my family (parents, brother, step-brothers & their wives & children) in arkansas and had a really nice time...i got to hang out with my old roommate and go on a rather expensive shopping trip and have a really fun girls night...almost drove towards a hurricane in alabama with matt and the boys until their concert got cancelled at the last minute and we didn't go...i've been catching up on old episodes of dawson's creek and reminding myself why i liked that show so much...i've been re-reading the chronicles of narnia and wondering how i ever understood some of those words as a child...i've gone to a LOT of movies this summer and enjoyed all but one...i added another burn scar to my collection...i broke out the nintendo 64 and brushed up on the wcw vs nwo wrestling skills, and i'm still working on the mariocart...oh yeah, and i got an email from david crowder...

...and matt and i are about to hit the 6 month mark. i can't even believe it's been 6 months. it seems like just yesterday i was running away from him on his front steps like a blubbering 3 year old when i was scared he was about to bring up "us". haha. that whole week was so weird now that i look back on it. so very funny. we were both so scared and shy and nervous around each other. so sweet. it's so perfect the way things worked out. i'm so thankful for him. there's no way that words can describe the way i feel right now.

...but enough of that mushy stuff. haha. i'm excited because karla is moving back home. i hope we get to hang out when she gets settled in. i'll be glad to get her back here and have her around again. it's been a while. so, i guess i've rambled enough for the night...i should get to sleep.

all you need is...

2005-06-27T14:45:00.000-05:00

so, this is one of the tiles in a wall of many tiles. the wall was providence's response to 9.11. i spent about 4 days in rhode island a couple of weeks ago. well, i guess it was more like 3 after you subtract all of that flying time. anyway, this wall intrigued me and i took a picture of one of the tiles...i thought it was a message we could all use.

our trip was really nice. vanessa and i went and of course...i loathe flying so i was glad to get that over with. so, i should say...other than the plane it was great. and the flight actually wasn't that bad, so i really shouldn't complain about that.

we stayed in a really nice hotel. the fact that the hotel was connected to a 4-story mall by a skybridge didn't hurt anything, either. AND the mall had a forever21 store in it. how much better could things get?

we got to see part of brown university, although i was really looking forward to touring their art museum and we didn't have time. we saw the first baptist church of america. yeah, i know. i laughed, too. but it was really for real. my favorite part of the trip (other than shopping ~ haha) was taking a ferry out to newport. the ferry ride was nearly 2 hours long and it was freezing, but it was so worth it. there were tons of little shops all along cobblestone walks, but the best part were the mansions. MANSIONS. mansions that were built many, many years ago for people like the astors and the kennedys and the vanderbilts to use as summer homes. SUMMER HOMES, people! these things were like castles. they looked just like the ones you see on the movies. as a matter of fact, one of them was on the great gatsby. just let me say that cribs ain't got nothin on these houses. we didn't have time to tour any of them, but i would love to go back one day. the ships in the bay and the rocks on the cliff made for some breath taking scenery. i can see why people love it in new england...but it's no substitute for home. haha.

by the way...i checked the weather as i was packing the night before we left and they had been having the same weather as us...upper 80's lower 90's. when we stepped off the plane, guess what? it was 55 degrees. they had a 40 degree drop overnight...unexpectedly. it made for a great excuse to buy new winter clothes that we'll get no use out of here for another good 5 or 6 months....but it was fun shopping for them!

go see new england, people!

don't blame yourself...it was everyone around that made you act this way.

2005-06-24T13:54:00.000-05:00

melissa has inspired me. i put some pictures up to see if they might possibly be chosen for the label of a jones soda. mine aren't as good as mel's, but since i need constant approval...i need you people to go vote for me. hers are just really cool. so go vote for them too. check hers out here. and since she is more technologically advanced than me...she knows how to post a link from her blog using the actual pictures. i do not. i will just give you a link to go look and vote from there. thanks so much. ya'll are cooler than you know. click the links below to go directly to the voting pages for each of mine. yes, i am aware there are quite a few. just look out. there could be more to come...

tech feet
tokyo lights
westin ceiling ~ rhode island
all you need is...
ET scarey hands
us.
the kiss.
powerful powerlines
the silent scream.
watching tv.
beating heart, baby.
i don't stare at my feet all day at work.
just another day at work
four forks

save yourself. because the only thing that matters is that you get away from the pain and the thought of losing your mind.

2005-06-24T00:27:00.000-05:00

6.10.05 ~ cafe xa

so, i'm behind on my blogging & i guess i will slowly catch up. we went to lafayette a couple of weeks ago to see mae. i was excited just to be there, but when i saw how close my boyfriend was able to get us up through the crowd...i was even MORE excited. the show was great. dusty didn't get to go with us because he was at the wedding rehearsal for monkey lips. he was really upset that he missed mae, until jacob the drummer gave him a call. yep...that's right. mae's drummer actually called dusty from my cell phone! it was really cool. i guess it worked out okay that he didn't get to make the trip after all. it was a great night. if you don't know these guys...check them out.

...about a lucky man who made the grade.

2005-06-23T10:42:00.000-05:00

things like this make me smile.

but don't slow down, and don't let go...

2005-06-07T14:01:00.000-05:00

so, my brother's roommate and lifelong friend just got drafted today. he's going to play major league baseball. mlb.com said he had a "big league arm". wow. he was the first pick in the 2nd round...and he's going to the arizona diamondbacks. he had a great season this year, even though his team didn't do as well as he would've liked. congratulations, little matty...i'm so proud of you & i wish you all the best.

matt green

"big league arm"

scarring the beautiful ones...

2005-06-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

i've always had a special place in my heart for the kids at st. jude's. they are struggling with such serious illnesses and yet are so full of life. here recently, there have been several families from this area with children at st. jude's and i've been wanting to write something about them...but i just don't have the words. they all have websites and i'm moved to tears every day when i read how strong and faithful the mothers and fathers and children are. i don't even know most of the ones i read...i've just stumbled upon them by reading others' pages, but they have been a huge inspiration to me. one of the precious babies that i've been following just earned her angel's wings yesterday. she battled cancer most of her life & was such a brave little girl. i don't understand why they have to go so soon, but i know it's part of His plan. and i know God blesses them with special parents...and blesses those parents with such special little angels. i encourage you, if you have a minute...check out these sites and read how strong and faithful these familes are. i hope you are as inspired as i am.

allen ~ they go to my church
corbin ~ his pappaw is my mom's preacher
hallie ~ she is from winnsboro
jake ~ his family goes to our church
matthew ~ they are from monroe
sebastian ~ the kids from here have become good friends with him
emmagrace ~ sweet baby that just became an angel

this is a song by copeland that i think about a lot when i think of these babies. for some reason, it just seems to fit. ~ "testing the strong ones"

there's an angel by your hospital bed, desperate to hear his name on your breath
as he looks down, you're not making a sound. open your eyes look at me...i'll bring to you whatever you need. and i'll tell you i'm sorry that i can't take this pain away from you.
and i'd put it on my own body if i knew how to...can't you see? i've gotta bust you outta here somehow. i've never seen your heart this tired, i've never seen your spirit held down. i know that you say this is what you get for being a bad child, but i know this will be your reward in just a little while. (in just a little while) its testing the strong ones, scarring the beautiful ones...it's holding the loved ones, one last time. its testing the strong ones (testing the strong ones) its scarring the beautiful ones (scarring the beautiful ones) its holding the loved ones, one last time. its testing the strong ones (testing the strong ones) its scarring the beautiful ones (scarring the beautiful ones) its holding the loved ones, one last time...

if i could write one letter to the world as we know it, i would list these lines that mean everything to me.

2005-06-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

so, it's been a while. it seems like it takes me longer and longer to post on here. it's not that i don't have anything to say...i just can't think of a good way to say it.

i had to go take some kids to camp last week. i say it like that because it wasn't something i had planned to do. i found out about it the day before we had to leave. i enjoyed it to an extent, but there were certain kids that were determined to make everyone else's time there miserable.

sometimes, as i was frantically searching for kids who had wandered off...i found myself angry at the kids and wondering why they couldn't act more mature. then, i realized that they were 12-15 years old...they aren't supposed to act mature. they were supposed to act exactly like they did.

the kids were there to learn about drugs & alcohol & how to be leaders in their schools. some of these kids had never been to camp before...some had never been outside of their parish. my heart goes out to these children. they were all so wide-eyed and beautiful. no matter what they did to aggrivate us leaders, and no matter how much we fussed...they knew we were there because we loved them...and they loved us right back.

as the days wore on, and we got more comfortable with each other...a strange thing happend. we all became friends. i wasn't the adult anymore. i was the friend that they wanted to share things with. they told me about their families and their friends...they told me about their relationships with their parents and how they're handling the new divorce...and how they're nervous about the new school next year. they told me lots of things that i'm sure their parents would love to know. and i encouraged them to tell their parents those things, too.

it's a beautiful thing when you see a child's mind at work for good. these kids are our future. i'm glad i had a part (however minute) in helping guide them in their journey.

if you live in this area and want to be part of teen institute next year, get in touch with me and i can tell you how. i promise there's not a dull moment.

i read the news today, oh boy...

2005-05-25T22:43:00.000-05:00

...i'm so proud.

i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly...

2005-05-15T22:58:00.000-05:00

there's a little bird sitting outside my doorstep. he's just sitting there and i don't know what to do to help him. he's not even old enough to fly yet. i don't know where his mother is and i don't know where his nest is. i want to pick him up and bring him inside and make him better, but the truth is: i know i can't.

i know that if i touch him, his mother will never have anything to do with him again. so, if i try to help him...he will die. if i leave him alone, his chances are better...although still not good.

we gave him food and water, but i'm not sure it really helped.

all i can really do is just look at him and whine and say....'aww.....'

meanwhile, alli cries at the door because she knows he's out there. even though she's been a housecat her whole life, she still knows that there is a bird out there and that she is supposed to get it.

so, what am i supposed to do? watch the baby bird die outside of my door...or bring it inside and let the vicious attack cat sneak in and get it at night? either way...it doesn't look good...

so, i've been thinking today...maybe i'm not unlike that little bird. maybe sometimes i'm just sitting here...kind of stuck in one place, unable to really move or go anywhere on my own. maybe i need some help, but that help can only come from one place. maybe i can get encouragement from the people around me, but i know the only way i can truly get to where i need to be is if my Father picks me up Himself and moves me. just like that little bird. sometimes i feel like i spend too much time sitting around waiting to be moved. maybe i should start reaching up to meet him halfway.

here's the clincher...this should be you.

2005-04-24T01:12:00.000-05:00

i see him sometimes. he walks along the side of 165, wide-eyed...smiling innocently. some days he has a bike, but most days he walks. he's dirty. probably hasn't had a bath in a few days...maybe even weeks. sometimes he's holding a pack of cigarettes...maybe even a carton. and i wonder what people must think of him. i'm sure some say bad things. i'm sure some feel sorry for him. and i'm sure he's got a nice big file sitting in someone's office...complete with a diagnosis out of that big fat silver book. i wonder which one they picked for him? and i wonder if he knows the man with the wwf belt? and i wonder where he sleeps at night? does he have a home? or does he stay some place different every night? where is his family? did he ever have a normal life...or is this the only one he's ever known?

and i wonder if he has a problem or do i? what if his life is normal and mine is not? and i wonder why my friend was dealt the hand he was dealt and i mine? and i wonder if he sees me when i pass and wonders about me? and i wonder if he knows that somebody out there is thinking about him and praying for him?

he could be the happiest man on the face of the earth. he could know the answer that we're all searching for. maybe the problem is...no one's taken the time to ask him.

no phone, no phone...i just want to be alone today.

2005-03-31T22:04:00.000-06:00

there was a cordless phone laying face down on top of my neighbor's bushes this morning when i left. the professional carpet cleaners were there yesterday. sometimes i wonder what goes on over there...and then i'm quickly glad that i don't have to know.

...

and i constantly call. i know it's irritating, but i still do it. and i'm immediately sorry. and the fax machine rings. and i always get the voicemail. i don't leave a message. i try the house and get the machine. no message there, either. and the phone constantly tells me that i have text messages, but i can't send any back because i'm in the middle of the ghetto out in the country and my piece of crap phone is on analog. when it switches back to digital, it rings with a number that i don't know.

and i worry about little details out loud. and the more i worry, the more screwed up things become.

so, i'll stop now. no more out loud. no more noise.
shhh...listen.
you can barely hear me.

i'm in no position to complain.

2005-03-28T23:15:00.000-06:00

i have a lot of excuses for not blogging lately. i guess if you wade through them all, what it really boils down to is laziness. can you be busy and lazy at the same time? whatever…cause i am.

i’m not complaining, though…because it’s been a good busy.

i have so much to be thankful for and yet it seems like all i can do is look at what i don’t have or focus on what’s wrong. it just seems like all i do is whine or complain. i have absolutely nothing to whine or complain about. i have everything i could ever need and more right now. i am more blessed right now than i ever thought i would be and definitely more than i deserve to be.

so i guess i need to apologize. i need to take a minute to say i’m sorry. i’m sorry for whining. and i’m sorry for complaining. and i’m sorry for focusing on what i don’t have and what’s wrong at the moment. i know all of those things are temporary and they don’t matter.

and i need to say thanks. thanks for everything You’ve given me. i don’t deserve any of it. i don’t deserve anything You’ve ever done for me and yet you keep giving and giving and forgiving and giving. thank you so much for loving me…flaws and all.

the politics of dysfunctional feet

2005-03-15T23:56:00.000-06:00

it’s such a simple thing when you think about it.

i mean, one foot in front of the other…how difficult can that be? apparently it’s a little harder than it looks.

one minute they were working fine, and then before she knew it…something went wrong. it was like they just stopped. her feet stopped but her body kept on going. it was like they were stuck to the concrete. she just laid there for a minute…face first…overcome with a look of bewilderment.

after scraping herself up and collecting her things, she went inside. the pain was beginning to shoot through her hand and out the tips of her fingers. she tried to push the buggy, but it was a slightly difficult task since she was now one-handed and ambidexterity was not her strong suit. her hand was becoming increasingly numb and the drops of tears had now become a steady stream.

so, she called him. she hated to whine, but he always makes her feel better. he always knows just what to say to make things seem not quite so bad. and it worked. he laughed, of course, but by the end of the conversation, the tears were gone and she was looking at dvds.

too bad the pain was still there. as a matter of fact, it was still there a week later. so, she finally decided to let a doctor look at it. turns out, it’s a really bad sprain and it’s going to take a long time to heal. so, she still can’t do certain things even two weeks later. and she’s really getting tired of having to ask other people to help her do simple things…but at the same time she knows that if she tries to use it too much, she’ll just keep hurting it over and over again and it might not ever heal.

all of this because her feet don’t work right?

(we won’t even mention the screen door that slammed on her ankle or the bathroom stall door that she walked straight into with her face all within the last week…actually in the same night. don’t tell her we mentioned that.)

and then this…

“so it’s about alcohol and tithing, then?” the voice booms across the room…apparently turning a deaf ear.

“no, that’s not what it’s about at all…” were the words calmly spoken as a lengthy discussion ensued about the true reasons behind their concerns.

…still he barks, “so, what you’re saying is, it’s about the alcohol and the tithing?”

and she looks down at her feet as once again they’re beginning to stick…this time to the carpet under the pew beneath her…

...and God help you if you use voice-over in your work, my friends! God help you! that's flaccid, sloppy writing.

2005-02-24T23:27:00.000-06:00

shut up. just shut up. i can't hear anything when you're constantly talking like that. the constant murmur and incessant chatter grates on my nerves and is so distracting that the blonde lady in the pink and black suit might as well be line dancing while singing happy birthday miss jones...instead of talking about....*sigh*...whatever it is she's trying to explain. i'm sure it's quite interesting. i was just thinking earlier that i was doing good today. i was doing so good. i thought that maybe this meant i was growing up. i listened and actually heard what the presenters were saying. i didn't daydream...not too much, anyway. and now....this. you just won't shut up. it's like you're inside my head...scrambling everything so that i can't hear anything or have a clear thought. that's what background noise is to me...it's like a scrambler. i can't concentrate on anything else when there's background noise. i don't even know what you're freaking saying....there's just an annoying sound coming from you. and now, i'll sit here. i'll sit here and squeeze my eyes shut trying to make you go away. then i'll open them and wait for the other people to stop shuffling papers and squeaking their chairs. and i'll continue to lose myself in the lights on the ceiling, the spots on the floor, and the faces on the wall. another meeting down the drain.

he walks on, doesn't look back...he pretends he can't hear her.

2005-02-23T23:56:00.000-06:00

i think it's a bit ironic that we form 'coalitions'. and i think it's kind of crazy that we have 'task forces'. i think it's totally retarded that we sit around and waste our time (yes ~ that's usually what we're doing) sitting around a table...or in a big meeting room...discussing what problems we see in the places we work.

for instance...at the meeting today we discussed what a terrible problem child abuse is in our region. oh, and we also discussed the procedure that takes place when a report is made to child protection. what good is that doing to address the problem?

in the information given, we were provided with statistics of valid cases of child abuse that had been reported in the last year...broken down by parish. the statistic for the parish i work in was something like 40....while the neighboring parish was 120. both are rural parishes....so this doesn't make sense. this infuriates me. why? first off...because child abuse of any kind infuriates me. but secondly...because i don't think the cases in our parish are being taken as seriously as they should be and i don't feel like they are being investigated properly. i have addressed my concerns with the appropriate people, but i still don't feel any better about it.

...why not? because every night when i close my eyes i see their little faces. i see the ones that come to me crying because their mom pushed them down or burned them on the stove or with a lightbulb or slaped them across the face or did some other horrible thing to them...and none of them deserve it but they all think it's their fault. or i see the look in the 4 year old's eyes as he's telling me how his mother told him to 'never call her or call her house or come to her house because she never wants to see him ever again'. what can i say to these babies to make it better for them? i want to make it go away.

i want to do more than make it go away. i want them to never have to go through that in the first place. and yes...i know that meetings are the first step you have to take in order to get anything done, but i think that something productive needs to come out of these meetings. i'm sick of sitting around in our comfy new work clothes eating a catered lunch nodding our heads in agreement that there is a problem. i think we need to actually get out there and do something about it.

burning your city down

2005-02-13T23:34:00.000-06:00

so i like actually have a valentine for the first time in like...forever. and i won't be mushy about it. i'll just say that i'm excited. and not because i want some stupid valentine's day present. i could care less about whether or not i get a gift. all i want is to be able to hang out with someone i care about that i know cares about me, too. i just want to hang out with him and talk and just...ya know...enjoy the moment. i won't ever have my first valentine again, so i want to be able to just sit there with him and look at him and know that there's nowhere else he'd rather be at that exact moment. that's all i need. i don't need flowers or candy or balloons or whatever people usually get and give on valentine's day. those all feel like they're given out of obligation and yes...they're nice, but unless the giver is also willing to invest his time...they're really meaningless.

so, if your favorite restaurant is overcrowded and you have to wait an extra 30 minutes tomorrow night...don't get frustrated and grouchy. that's extra time you can spend together talking and enjoying each other. don't be in a rush to get home and watch tv. just enjoy hanging out with your friend. and don't worry about gifts. the most important gift you can ever give someone is your time.

and if you don't have anyone on valentine's day...don't be bitter about it because they're out there looking for you, too. so, be thankful for that and celebrate it. it would be a shame if you ran into that person tomorrow and you missed your chance with them because all of your energy was focused on hating the day and what it stands for.

don't spend valentine's day mad. God said "above all, love each other deeply". i don't think He meant sometimes. He meant love everyone all of the time. so, enjoy tomorrow if you have a valentine and enjoy tomorrow if you don't. just go out and enjoy life.

science fiction

2005-02-10T13:22:00.000-06:00

i have 18 wires attached to my head and 5 to my chest. they're all connected to these monitors and hooked up to different bulky awkward packs. i only have to do this for 24 hours, but it feels like an eternity has passed already. i have 3 1/2 more hours to go. i wonder what they'll find out. i wonder if they'll find anything...or if this whole thing will be pointless. for a whole 24 hours i will have been a walking science experiment and it will all have been for nothing.

i look like a freak and i feel like a freak. he still told me i was pretty anyways. i wonder if he really meant it or was he just saying it to be nice? i wonder what they'll be able to see on their little printouts? will they see when i was sleeping? will they see when i laughed? will they see when i thought something was stupid? or sweet? or sad? or will they see when my heart raced? will they see the innerworkings of my mind? or do i just think they will?

i wonder exactly how these monitors work. and wouldn't it be neat if we all had them...if we could just walk up to someone and push a button to get their printout. we would be able to tell exactly how everyone is feeling and what they are thinking about everything that is going on in their lives at any point in time. i mean...i guess that'd be cool. but, on the other hand...it would take the mystery out of life and i guess that would kind of stink. i mean, part of the fun of it all is not knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling...and then being able to find out. isn't that the big attraction to science anyway....the discovery?

and scars are souvenirs you never lose.

2005-02-07T22:17:00.000-06:00

it’s sad. it’s sad the way we view ourselves sometimes. it’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment it starts…it’s more like a gradual movement. we all do it. we let little things get to us. and we tell ourselves we’re worth less than we are. and we say these things over and over until we eventually start to believe them.

i think sometimes it’s more difficult for girls to have good self-esteem than it is for boys. it’s almost like the world expects us to be down on ourselves. the world tells us we’re worth less than we are, and we totally believe all of the lies. we think if someone gives us a compliment that they are saying it out of obligation or ‘just to be nice’ and that they don’t really mean it.

then, when our self-esteem seems to be at its lowest is when alcohol, drugs, or sleazy guys come into the picture. maybe they don’t all come into the picture at once, but they will eventually work their way in. girls will drink or do drugs to ‘ease the pain’ or ‘make them forget’ or to ‘fit in’ or whatever. and then the guys will make them believe that they are the best they will ever be able to find and no one else will want them so they better just be content with whatever amount of ‘pity’ the guy decides to throw their way in the form of a ‘relationship’.

i used to feel sorry for girls like that until i let myself become one of those girls. and no, i didn’t let myself become one of those girls in every aspect of that scenario, but still it was enough to make me feel pretty worthless. i felt like i would never be good enough for anyone to ever love me and i felt like i should just settle for whoever would have me. i felt trapped. i really didn’t think i’d ever get out of that trap, but thank God i did.

it took me a long time to realize that i didn’t need some boy to decide my worth. i realized that i had to be confident in who i was and content with who i was before i would ever be able to be happy and in a healthy relationship with anyone else. and i was able to do that when i was able to truly believe that i am beautiful. and it doesn’t matter if no one else on earth ever thinks i am or ever tells me that i am. i know that i’m beautiful in God’s eyes and that’s all that matters. Psalm 45:11 says ‘the King is enthralled by your beauty.’ that doesn’t just mean He thinks i’m pretty. He’s captivated by me. how awesome is that? if i never capture anyone else’s heart, that’s okay…because i’ve captured His.

back when i was so down on myself and just kind of ‘going with the flow’ of whatever the crowd did or told me because i thought that was all i was worth…i’m sure i wasn’t too captivating then. BUT…He still thought i was. even though i couldn’t see it, He saw it. and He sees it in everybody…even when we can’t see it ourselves…even when all hope seems lost. it’s never too late to pull yourself up out of that trap. it’s never too late to see just how wonderful and beautiful you truly are. and it’s never a bad thing to know that you deserve the very best because you are the very best. but, you have to be willing to look up and believe it. i know i do.

and when i go there, i go there with you

2005-02-06T01:20:00.000-06:00

sometimes life is hard. sometimes it's hard and we ask God for a lot...maybe even too much at times. and sometimes we might even think He's forgotten us. but guess what? He never forgets. and He always answers prayers. He might not answer them the way we think they should be answered and He might not answer them to fit in the time frame we have planned out. but, i promise He knows what He's doing.

a very long time ago i prayed that He would teach me how to be patient. it's taken literally years for me to learn that lesson because i wasn't very receptive to what He was trying to show me. i also have this list that i keep in my Bible. on it are written some of the main things i hope to have in a man some day...the same man that i've been praying for as long as i can remember. i would take out that list and cry because i wasn't even sure if he existed, but i would pray for God to send him to me anyway. i did this for years. and i couldn't understand why he wasn't magically appearing on my doorstep, flowers in hand, proclaiming his undying love for me. until that day...until that day that i realized he had already shown up in my life. he was already here...right under my nose and i didn't even realize it.

there is absolutely no feeling in the world like the feeling of an answered prayer. there's no feeling in the world like knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you are in God's will. and there's no feeling in the world like the way i feel right now at this very moment. thanks.

i don't understand a word you just said.

2005-01-31T23:02:00.000-06:00

it’s so hard to work with children and teenagers. you never get the whole story from them and you have to piece things together from the scattered ramblings they present to you. it makes it increasingly difficult when you feel like you have bumblebees in your brain. and your stomach. and your knees. i sometimes find it extremely difficult to pay close attention to what they are saying…i tend to daydream a lot and my a.d.d kicks in. but, somehow i still manage to decipher what they say and piece it together enough to give them what they need. even so, i will admit today was probably my least productive day at work, ever. i don’t ever recall a day when i’ve been so preoccupied. and i didn’t mind .one. .single. .bit.

she dreams in color, she dreams in red...

2005-01-29T03:07:00.000-06:00

it's that nervous feeling that you get in the bottom of your stomach right before you throw up. it's something like butterflies. it's when you don't know whether to be excited or scared or nervous or happy or what. it's the eager anticipation of the unknown. it's something like that.

but all the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave...

2005-01-24T23:15:00.000-06:00

so, since i’ve effectively established and come to grips with the fact that i’m a chicken, i guess this is as good of a place as any to do this. you see, when i write here…i pretend that no one reads this. that way, i can write anything i want….well, almost anything. because, then i remember that there’s a chance that someone will read this and i don’t want to write anything that could incriminate me later. haha. so, with that being said, here’s a letter to you mister somewhereoutthere. i wish you knew how much i want to tell you this out loud.

did you know that boys can be beautiful, too? well, they can. and you are. as a matter of fact, you’re the most beautiful one i’ve ever known. even more beautiful than dave. yes, i said more beautiful than dave. see, i don’t really know dave…so my obsession with him is completely superficial. but you’re beautiful on the inside AND on the outside.

and the list? THE list? you pretty much are the list. i could rip up the list and replace it with a miniature version of you and it would serve the same purpose. except you probably wouldn’t like being squished in between those pages all of the time like my other list is. you are every single thing that i have been praying for my whole life.

and i didn’t want it to be you. when i realized it was, i was really upset. i thought you would be mad at me and you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. i was mad at myself for feeling the way i did and i was mad at God because i felt like He was playing a cruel joke on me. i felt like i was breaking the rules and you would hate me or something. but then i finally realized that your heart never, ever, ever contacts your head before it does what it wants to do. and i realized that nothing in life would be worth anything if it was all based on logic and planning. so, i threw my hands up and told God i’d listen to Him instead of fight Him about it.

but, i also told Him that if this was the way it was supposed to be…that He was going to have to tell you, too. so i would know that i wasn’t crazy. and this is where i am. i can’t tell you these things unless i know that He’s told you the same things that He’s told me. because if He hasn’t spoken to you like He has to me, then it’s not right and it’s not time. and this is where i am…and this is why i can’t tell you. because i don’t know what kind of conversations you and God have had about me or if ya’ll have even had any at all. and until i know that, then i guess these feelings will remain in my heart…waiting for the right time…and hoping that time comes soon.

i have so many things i want to tell you and nothing sounds right on this stupid blog. i’m mostly just writing it because it’s getting really lonely having this conversation over & over in my head. i just start rambling and, well, you know how i do. i guess the main thing i’m trying to say is…you’re perfect and you don’t see it and that’s what makes you beautiful.

i just wanted you to know.

what you feel is what you are.

2005-01-17T20:19:00.000-06:00

so, i'm reading this book. i've actually had it for a long time and never picked it up. the book doesn't even belong to me. it's a book that c bought for j before they got engaged. he thought it would help her in some way. i laughed when she told me he got her a book...she has an attention span of like, zero. but, she read it...and she loved it. she gave it to me to read...and it's been sitting on my nightstand ever since. actually, it's been holding up my lamp. like i said...he got it for her before they were engaged...and they've been married since september.

anyway, i guess that's all irrelevant. the point is, i should've read it sooner. from the moment i started reading this book, i was blown away by how much the author's thoughts and feelings echoed mine. the more i read made me realize that i'm totally not alone. and it's not a bad thing for me to feel the way i feel. i'm not the only girl that's ever wondered if anyone besides my parents think i'm beautiful. i'm not the only girl in the world that's ever wanted more. women were created to desire intimate, intricate relationships. we were made to be part of one...and until we find that perfect partner, i think we will always long for what we don't have. but, what i've always had a difficult time grasping...and this book is helping me tremendously to do...is realize that i need that same kind of relationship with God. the same kind of intimacy that i desire here on earth should first be established with Him. i should be closer to Him than anyone. i don't have to wonder if i'm beautiful because He's already told me that i am. He loves me for me...every single thing about me. He loves my crooked smile and unruly hair. He loves my curvy pinky finger and ugly feet. He thinks i'm beautiful regardless of what anyone else thinks or says about me. He thinks i'm beautiful physically and emotionally. i have to believe that and take joy in it.

and once i do, i've got no reason to ever be down again. i should never feel alone again. i'm not perfect...i know that. and i know i won't always have good days. and i also know it's not likely that my prince will knock on my door tomorrow and carry me off into the sunset. but ya know, the more i think about it...the less important that seems to be now. if i know i'm loved and beautiful in God's eyes, then that's all i really need...anything else is just an added bonus.

girls ~ go get this book. guys ~ if you want some insight into women...get the book, too.

currently reading: Do You Think I'm Beautiful? ~ The Question Every Woman Asks...by Angela Thomas

when the lights burned out, then you pulled me out of the dark.

2005-01-16T22:43:00.000-06:00

as of late, i’ve been accused of ‘disappointing the blogsphere’ because i don’t update as much as i used to. i guess it’s partially because i’ve been busier than usual, and it’s partially because i haven’t had anything to say. well, okay…i take that back. i’ve had stuff to say. and i’ve typed posts. but usually my posts start out okay and then end up way too personal to post for the entire world to see…so i delete them. so, i guess i have been writing…i’ve just been keeping it to myself because i don’t think you’re ready to see it just yet. today i came across something that i wrote a while back…it must’ve been at least 3 years ago ~ maybe even 4. it’s something i should’ve written in my journal, but i didn’t. i don’t know if i just didn’t have it with me at the time or what, but for some reason…it never made it there. so, i ran across it today and was like wow…i barely remember writing that. i figured i’d post it here…exactly as it was written…to share something personal. i guess in a way, i feel the need to make up for being a disappointment.

today was weird…or maybe i’m just delirious – i don’t know. i have had such an awesome week. it was so great to go to church every night and worship God with other people who love Him just as much as i do. it is just amazing to get so into worshipping God that you forget where you are and who is standing beside you and just get transported away, like the song says, to a secret place that only you and God know about.

my main prayer this week has been for my life to become a worship song for Him. that’s what it should be and it’s not. God has really taught me a lot this week. He has reminded me that i was put here for a reason – and that reason is to reach people for Him. as a Christian, this should be my first priority, but it hasn’t been. i’ve really been slacking in this area. another thing He has brought to my attention is that whatever i do – it should be to His glory – AND NOT MINE. sometimes it’s hard to remember that. i’m just so happy that God has been so awesome and so prevalent in my life this week.

last night at j’s house, we were talking to the girls about dating, love, and sex. we were going around the room naming off our #1 standard in looking for a guy…the one quality that they absolutely must possess. i didn’t really give it much thought because i figured i’d probably say the same things the other girls were saying – nice, respectful, funny, etc. however, when it was my turn, i said that he absolutely must have an overwhelming and obvious passion for God. i didn’t even think about it…it just came out of my mouth. after i said it, i thought…’whoa’. THAT’S why i’m so picky. people ask why i can’t find a man and now i know. none of the guys that are interested in me possess an overwhelming passion for God. which leads me to believe that i’m looking in the wrong places – or maybe i should just stop looking altogether. anyway, i have been thinking about this all day and i know that if i pray for him faithfully, God will send him to me when the time is right.

so, i was in a pretty cool mood when i got to church tonight. but when worship started, something didn’t feel right. i wanted to worship God with all of my heart, but something just felt a little off. then, i remembered that my Bible was open to a certain page when i came over from the fellowship hall before church started. i said – well, that’s weird – and c laughed and said – maybe God wants you to read that page. i said – yeah…maybe so and thought to myself maybe i had a bookmark there or something and that’s why it opened up to that page. the passage was Psalm 77 and God did want me to read it. it reminded me that not so long ago, i felt a extremely overwhelmed by life and was very bitter and depressed. then, i came across this scripture and it really impacted my life. the psalmist is crying out to God begging Him to hear his prayers. he can’t understand why God doesn’t hear him…he feels as if he’s been forgotten. sometimes i think we all feel the same way. we tend to forget that God is always listening…he always hears our prayers. and he always answers…sometimes we just get an answer that we don’t like. but the thing i like the most is that during the course of this prayer, he looks to the past as reassurance of hope for the future. i see myself reflected in this prayer. i’ve had prayers that resemble this prayer. and even though i don’t like being down and broken and crying out for help and feeling alone and forgotten, i am so glad that i’m quickly reminded that i’m actually not any of those things. and i’m not the only one that’s ever felt that way. and i will have hope because those before me had hope.

i’ve posted 2 days in a row…let’s not get too used to this…

take myself and i will be ever, only, all for Thee.

2005-01-15T01:15:00.000-06:00

loss seems to be a recurring theme in my life these days. maybe not loss that happens directly to me, but indirectly. and it hurts me to see people that i love hurting. and it hurts me to know that i don’t know how to comfort them. it also hurts me to think that all the while they are suffering, i am still worried about minuscule problems in my life.

i hate that i am so selfish. i hate that i am worried about my work and my truck note and my apartment rent and my doctor bills and my clothes and my hair and my radio and my dirty room and if he’s ever going to notice me and my this and my that and blah blah blah. those things don’t really matter. i know God’s going to take care of me. He always has.

i need to love people more. i need to help them more. i need to listen to God more. i always ask Him for answers, but then i don’t shut up whining long enough to listen. i need to spend more time with Him and less time wasting time. i can’t be the woman He wants me to be and needs me to be if i don’t spend time with Him. and i can’t expect things from Him and not give Him anything in return. i don’t think it works that way.

so, that’s it. i want more. and i know what i have to do in order to get it. i have to give more. And i’m sorry that i haven’t been giving enough. i was blessed with a servant’s heart and i haven’t been blessing Him back by using it nearly enough. so, Father, forgive me for ignoring Your blessings and for ignoring Your voice. i pray that it never happens again. i love You.

i no longer know who i am, and i feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

2005-01-10T23:49:00.000-06:00

why do we do it? why do we hide behind such silly things? as if it weren't obvious what we're doing. yet...that's the way the world works. it's just one facade after another. and why do we feel the need to disguise what we want...how we feel...what we really want to say...etc? because we're afraid of rejection...we're afraid of failure.

i'm probably the most guilty person of all when it comes to this...and every day i ask myself 'why?' i mean...i'm so jealous of the people that take so many risks and live life so freely. i think i need a little more of that. i wish i wasn't such a big chicken about everything. i mean...how will you ever know if you don't take the risk, right?

can you imagine if we lived our lives the way we really wanted to instead of the way we thought everyone else expected us to? who knows where i would've ended up after high school...it probably wouldn't have been college right away. and it probably wouldn't have been anywhere around here. as a matter of fact, i'd probably be doing something totally different right now. and it would probably include not having much of a salary...which wouldn't be very popular with the parents. (yes, they still have a large voice in my life...even at age 25)...

but i mean, seriously....think of how much happier we would all be if we just took a chance every once in a while. stop doing things so routinely and taking things forgranted so much. a lot of my friends have lost people they were very close to this past year and it's made me realize just how short life really is. if we don't do what we want to do now...and let people know how much they mean to us now...it might be too late. so i know it's late for resolutions and i know i said i wasn't going to make any...and i'm not. BUT...if i had to pick something that i wanted to do this year, it would be that...to take more risks and to make sure everyone in my life knows exactly how i feel about them. and sometimes that's a little easier said than done.

and i come on like a freak show takes the stage...

2005-01-04T22:47:00.000-06:00

so this is me. kind of. it's actually pretty weird to try and draw a picture of yourself. i hope i don't really look like this. thanks to my good friend, mac...i will probably soon become addicted to the paint program and will be posting many more goofy pictures. stay tuned...if you dare.

my creepy self-portrait.

you are an important part of the computer.

2005-01-04T16:25:00.000-06:00

i’m glad they can’t read my thoughts. the people with the wires and the magnetic waves and all. they can look around in there all they want…but they won’t get the good stuff. they might not find what they’re looking for…or they might tell me things i don’t want to hear. it doesn’t matter. nothing matters…because they don’t know. they’ll never know what’s going on up there, really. and it’s probably for the best. i doubt they’d be able to make much sense of it anyway. i mean…it makes perfect sense to me. most days. but, whatever. they’ll never know because they still can’t read my thoughts.

it’s a good thing.

...and i don't feel any different.

2005-01-01T22:59:00.000-06:00

so this is 2005. funny…it doesn’t feel any different than 2004.

and you know it’s that time again. everyone has to make resolutions. i need to know why. every year we all have these lofty goals that we set for ourselves…and we never follow through with them. and if the promises we make aren’t kept…aren’t they really just lies, then?

me…i don’t make resolutions. because i know i’m not going to keep them. i lie to myself enough throughout the year…i don’t need to start it off with a big bunch of lies. i mean…i do have certain expectations, but never like…’i am going to stop doing this’ or ‘i am going to start doing that’. i’ve got enough other junk going on to waste time worrying about new years’ resolutions.

how about everyone else? anybody got any major changes they want to make this year? i have some things that i hope will happen…but nothing that i’m going to resolve to do. i guess i’ll just play it by ear and see what God’s got in store for me. i know it’s going to be something great. i can just feel it.

how the time is never now…and we know who we should love, but we’re never certain how…

2004-12-31T01:36:00.000-06:00

so, here’s the quote i got from a friend this week: “all women (in a man's eyes) can basically be broken down into two categories: women that you date and women that you marry.” now, even though this is just an observation he has made and not something that he lives by…i still have a problem with this statement. therefore, i decided to share my theory on this ‘rule’ with him…and now i’m posting it on here…for you.

so guys want to date type A girls. and everyone knows it...including the type B girls. type A girls are dateable...type B girls are marriage material. what makes the type A girls dateable? um...usually they are prettier, skinnier, and probably more likely to provide the instant gratification aspect of life that everyone has become to accustomed to these days...so what if she can't make a complete sentence. at least she looks good right?

so take your average type B girl. she tries to do everything right...the things she's supposed to do in order to be a good person and to become the woman that some man will want to marry one day. (which will greatly benefit her someday) but those things just don't seem to be working out for her because...she is still boyfriendless. (today. ~ here's that instant gratification thing, again) so, what does she do? she takes a look at type A girl. type A girl is doing all of the 'wrong' things and still gets the guy. so guess what? type B girl eventually turns into type A girl. and yeah...she gets dates, but guess what? when all of the other type B girls catch on...type B population is dramatically reduced.

this seems good for the aforementioned guy at first because the dating pool has increased...but what he doesn't realize is that the marriage pool has decreased. and when it comes time to settle down and get married, there won't be any type B 'girls i want to marry' left and he will have to settle for type A 'girl i would love to date but never consider marrying'. the marriage will end up being miserable and probably riddled with adultery and eventually end in either divorce or murder. haha...maybe that's a little harsh, but they will be miserable because they will be with someone they never intended to be with. therefore, by screwing over type B girls now, guys are actually screwing themselves over in the long run.

so, what's the moral of this story boys and girls? you should never date anyone that you wouldn't consider marrying. which is why the 'there are 2 types of girls' rule is so utterly ridiculous. why waste time with someone that you know you don't want to be with? because you know there's a chance you might get a little ‘extra’ out of the deal with type A girl and not type B? and you don't want to marry some girl that's been all around the block?...even though you didn't have a problem dating her? none of this makes sense. if you like type A...then date type A...and marry type A. if you like type B, then date type B...and marry type B. don't ruin all of the 'good girls' by forcing them to become what they hate only to be thrown away in the end for the few that didn't sell out. that sucks.

now, i never said the theory wasn't crazy. and i guess i should've elaborated a little more on the B girl crossing over to the A side. maybe she doesn't completely cross over. maybe she just develops a serious complex about why no one wants her and doesn't actually become an A girl...just totally gets her view of herself and life and love and relationships and the way things are supposed to be totally jacked up...for no good reason. when it could all be avoided.

and girls have the same urges to have crazy wild sex with random hot men that they meet, too. the thing is...it's immoral. and just because you see someone that you'd like to be with, doesn't make it okay for you to do it. and the fact that guys do it all the time and then show up one day with a virgin bride makes me want to puke. because not only are they ruining the lives of the girls they are using up and throwing away...they aren't being fair to the girls they are marrying, either. and no...it's no better for guys to do it than it is for girls, but society says that it is. it's cute. and they'll do it and then afterwards, he can't stand to look at her because he thinks she's a whore. i mean...you even see it in the movies. and people freakin laugh at it....because it's cute. aww...look at him. he's sleeping around again.

makes. me. sick.

and i'm still single. haha.

and i’m beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head…

2004-12-28T01:25:00.000-06:00

so, yeah. i’ve been thinking about a whole heck of a lot here lately. and one of the main things i’ve figured out is…i’m not perfect. and i’m never going to be. i’m not perfect by most people’s standards. whatever those are. and do you know that actually bothered me for a while? until i realized this…i will never be ‘mainstream’ or ‘normal’ or whatever. and i never want to be. i have always been and will always be a little ‘out there’. i will always color outside of the lines. i will always see things differently than everyone else. and i’m perfectly okay with that. i will always like ‘weird’ books, music, movies, pictures, clothes, etc. and i’m glad when i find things that i like and other people don’t. because i guess on some level…i enjoy being different. but i also enjoy those things because occasionally i meet people that i can share them with…people that ‘get’ the same things i do…people that don’t roll their eyes and tell me how weird i am. and it makes me smile to know that there are other people like me in the world. and i know all hope is not lost. and because i know that i’m not perfect to the world’s ‘normal’ (boring) people, i know i won’t be stuck with someone like that for the rest of my life. i know that i am perfect for someone. i am perfect for someone that is perfect for me. someone with the same qualities and idiosyncrasies as me. someone that will walk through the rain with me on a whim and just enjoy the company without asking why. someone that will accept me…quirks and all…and just love me for who i am and let me love them back.

we all have things that make us who we are. little bits and pieces of our everyday lives…behaviors…mannerisms…they make up our personality. and even the ‘weird’ stuff or the ‘bad’ stuff…it makes us who we are. and the people that love us, love us for it. they don’t try to change us. and we shouldn’t try to change for other people just to try to feel somewhat ‘normal’. no one is really normal. and normal is boring. sometimes you have to look a little deeper than what you see on the surface. because you just might be surprised at what you uncover if you really look…

sometimes i run, but i'm not afraid.

2004-12-20T23:53:00.000-06:00

how do you say something out loud that you’re afraid to even think of silently? how do you vocalize something that could potentially be detrimental to everything that you know? and how do you respond to the reactions of what you’ve just said?

why is it that we’re so afraid to just say what’s really on our minds? what are we so afraid of? i like to think that i’m afraid of how other people will respond. what will people think if i say this? or what will they say if i do that? but, i think what it really boils down to is, i’m afraid of myself. i’m afraid of what i think and say and feel. because i don’t know if i trust myself anymore. trusting my thoughts and feelings…my heart…before, hasn’t gotten me anywhere other than hurt.

so, i guess i’m not brave enough. i’m a coward. maybe that’s why i’ve become so quiet lately. maybe this is my way of dealing with my cowardice. this is my way of ignoring the advice i give to other people and sticking my head under the covers…hoping that the world will just go away.

how we waste our precious time...marching in the picket lines that surround those striking hearts.

2004-12-16T23:29:00.000-06:00

some random things that guys and girls should never discuss....

directions
elevators
anything pertaining to directions or elevators
placement of christmas lights (indoor or outdoor)
the reasoning behind any action/thought that members of the opposite sex do and/or have
cooking
directions
elevators
color coordination
ironing
washing
directions
elevators
misplaced staple guns
broken body parts due to misplaced staple guns
the reasoning behind the other person not understanding what you are trying to say to them. don't ask questions. just nod and smile. and shut up.
directions
elevators
vehicle maintenance
relationships
decision making
directions
elevators...

and to think...i learned all of that in just one short week. i can't wait to see what i'll find out next week!

everybody wants to be your friend when you've got something you can give them.

2004-12-14T23:58:00.000-06:00

scott peterson was sentenced to death. and america watched from their living rooms...listened from their radios...read from their newspapers and magazines and internet chatrooms....and people cheered. did you get that? people cheered. people. human beings celebrated the fact that another human will die. true...he did apparently kill his wife and unborn child and that is a heinous crime. but 1) who are we to judge and 2) we should let justice be served within the judicial system as it has to be here on earth and let God do His deal in Heaven. why do we feel the need to cast judgment and condemnation on the man from our living rooms and water coolers at work? by doing that...we're no better than he is. a sin is a sin....be it premeditated double murder of a beautiful woman that you supposedly love and your unborn child....or casting judgments on your neighbors with hatred in your heart. God calls us to love everyone...He doesn't say...love everyone that is good in your eyes. He says love everyone. period. that means even the murders, rapists, child molesters, and thieves. and as difficult as that is to swallow...we have to do that...because He does that and our ultimate goal is to become like Him. in 1 peter 4:8, He says..."above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." that's one of my very favorite verses because it reminds me of how He sacrificed for us because of His love and how His love ultimately is what covered our sins...and we should live with a loving spirit and heart like Him so that our lives will follow that verse as well. because i truly believe that love can cover over any wrong. why? because GOD SAID SO. so as hard as it is to do sometimes, we have to love people that we sometimes find less than desirable. pray for them. pray that they will see God's love in us. and that they will be changed by it. that is the ultimate goal. i believe that if celebration over a death sentence takes the place of love for our neighbors, God's gonna have a lot of questions one day. i'm already gonna have a lot of things to answer for...i'd like to leave that one off the list.

my name is jonas. i'm carrying the wheel. thanks for all you've shown us. this is how we feel.

2004-12-14T01:11:00.000-06:00

have i ever mentioned that i have the best friends in the whole history of the entire world? cause i do. the very best. they do stuff for me and are there for me and i just love them so very much.

they don't even gripe about most things i ask them to do. not even when i ask them to help me hang 750 or so lights from my itty bitty apartment patio. they might question my sanity a few times, but they still will do what i ask...

it is so bright out there...it looks like daytime. and i must say....it looks fabulous.

thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou...and thankyou.

let the other neighbors in the decorating contest bring it on. i grew up with the griswalds.

and every bite i gave you left a mark…OR…some words when spoken ~ can’t be taken back.

2004-12-12T15:24:00.000-06:00

why do we do it? why do we open our mouths when we know we should keep them shut? why do we just go on and on with our mouth when our brain is telling us to shut up? we know when to say things and when to remain silent, yet sometimes we just can’t help it…we continue to make a jackass of ourselves. occasionally we will even do it in front of an audience…and then later wonder why someone didn’t just tackle us to get us to stop talking. at least…that’s how i feel sometimes when i get on a good roll.

we tend to take things out on our friends and family because we know they will still be there for us and still love us, in spite of what we say and do. and even though that’s true, the ones we love the most are the ones we end up hurting the deepest. i hate that about myself. it shouldn’t be that way. we should lift each other up…not tear each other down.

and it’s not their fault that you might have some things on your mind…or be a little more on edge than usual. it’s not their fault that something they say could strike you the wrong way and then your response catch them totally off-guard…but it is your fault when your response hurts their feelings. it is your fault when you look directly into their eyes and say mean and hurtful things to and about them and show no remorse for the hateful things that are spewing out of your mouth as your friends stand around in shocked silence.

you know you’re wrong, yet you do it any way.

i’m generally not a mean-spirited or hateful person, but i said some hurtful things last night. and i know i can’t take those words back…or the manner in which they were said. but, this is my public apology. you didn’t deserve that, and i truly am sorry…straight from my heart, i am.

we've been spotted and are being pulled in by her tractor beam

2004-12-09T21:40:00.000-06:00

it took me a while to notice today. i thought i’d lost it. i thought it was completely gone forever. i mean, i usually get at least a couple a day…sometimes more. and every time i frown and make some noise that resembles utter disgust. but then, i noticed it wasn’t happening…and all of a sudden i wanted to know what was wrong with me. was i not good enough anymore? what was the deal? i was seriously on my way to giving myself a complex. i mean….how could i get whatever that appeal was back? would it ever come back? and the even greater question…why did i want it back?

so, there i sat…in silence…consoling myself over the loss of the last sure self-esteem booster i had (however sad it may be)…

and then i passed him…the glorious trucker who honked the horn and waved…and all was right in the world again.

*sigh*

it’s sad, i know…but it’s all i’ve got.

for now.

oh, protect our secret handshake...once more, with feeling...before we say goodnight.

2004-12-06T23:26:00.000-06:00

those moments are so rare. they are so rare and so precious, yet we want to tell someone about them. when you share some special moment or thing with someone else…it’s special because it’s between you and someone else. yet, there is an overwhelming urge to tell someone about it…why is that? is it because it makes it become real by talking about it? is it because those precious moments seem like a dream until you are able to vocalize them to someone? intimate jokes…private moments…shared secrets…those are things that aren’t meant for other people, yet we’re somehow compelled to share them. in some cases, it’s the only connection you have…and you want to blab it to the world. i just don’t get it…it’s wild.

so, what if you catch me...where would we land?

2004-12-05T23:08:00.000-06:00

sometimes i think we are just a little too worried about what other people think…don’t you? i know we say that we don’t care what other people think and we are ‘individuals’ and blah blah blah, but i mean, seriously…have you ever wondered what it would be like if we really just didn’t care? why do i worry what people will think if i date him…who cares as long as its okay with me, my family, and God? it doesn’t frickin matter. it shouldn’t anyway. why do i worry what people will say if i wear certain clothes or fix my hair a certain way? why do i worry what someone might think if i say a certain thing? it doesn’t matter if that’s what i’m thinking and feeling, right? but i still remain silent…

what would happen if we did what we really wanted? if we said and did what we really felt? if we let go of our inhibitions and just became….us.

what would happen? i’ll tell you. we would be a lot happier and the people around us probably wouldn’t really care. the people that we worry so much about what they would think…probably wouldn’t even freaking notice. they either wouldn’t notice…or they would be busy enjoying their newfound freedom because they no longer have to worry about other people’s opinions either.

sometimes i wonder if it will ever be possible...for everyone to live in total honesty with each other…

what would happen?

what's the point in all this screaming? no one's listening anyway.

2004-12-04T01:16:00.000-06:00

so i've been 'unusually' quiet for the past several days. big deal. truth be known...i've been unusually quiet for the last couple of weeks. i don't know why it has just suddenly come to everyone's attention. maybe i just have a lot on my mind. maybe i have some stuff i want to talk about. maybe i don't. maybe i have some stuff i need to talk about but don't want to. maybe i don't. maybe i'm just stressed out and i just need to get away and not think so much. maybe that's my problem. why do i have to overanalyze every single little thing? it's going to drive me mad one day. and if it did...would it really even matter? would anyone notice?

lately i’m alright, and lately i’m not scared.

2004-11-30T23:00:00.000-06:00

life is so crazy sometimes. it’s so amazingly wonderful and confusing.

not that any of my previous worries/complaints have been resolved or anything…i’m just not worried about them as much right now. i mean, i am still boyfriendless but somehow now that doesn’t seem so bad. i guess what i mean is…i don’t have the overwhelming feeling that i’m going to be alone forever. like maybe he’s really for real and doesn’t only exist in my dreams…

now, happy readers…before you go getting any crazy ideas, nothing drastic has happened to me. i guess i just decided to stop whining. i just decided to remind myself that true love really is real…and can sometimes be found in the most unlikely places. and that makes me smile.

hi, i'm in delaware.

2004-11-28T23:51:00.000-06:00

so...i guess i thoroughly confused everyone with my last blog. haha. i love it. for clarification purposes...that wasn't addressed to anyone and it wasn't about anyone...and nothing drastic has happened to me to prompt that writing. i actually wrote it a long time ago and just had it saved. i had nothing else to post...so i posted that. see? mystery solved. we will all sleep better tonight, i'm sure.

i also have nothing of any value to say tonight so i won't waste your time. i'm tired and need to sleep. i bet the two people that actually read this are going to stop now...if they haven't already.

and i'd give up forever to touch you, cause i know that you feel me somehow...

2004-11-23T23:59:00.000-06:00

i bet you think you know me. i bet you think you can randomly scroll through these posts and figure out who i am. i bet i’m that transparent…aren’t i?

i bet you’d love it if it were that easy.

does it ever cross your mind that there might possibly be more to me than these pages can hold? i’m not some digitally produced thing or image in your mind. i’m a real person. a real girl. with real feelings.

the things on this page are me…this is not brittney’s latest scantily clad heartbreaking love affair…or who was last spotted with colin farrell and blah blah blah my head hurts.

this is my frickin life…like it or not. rephrase – this is a tiny look into my life. read these posts, by all means. that’s what they’re here for. but, as you’re reading…keep in mind that there are things about me you will never learn from a computer screen. if you want to really get to know me, you will have to make an effort…spend some good old fashioned quality time with the girl…and STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. (it will rot your brain.)

and it's strange. they are basically the same so i don't ask names anymore.

2004-11-22T23:42:00.000-06:00

“hey jessica.”
“hi sherry.”
"hey sandy."
“hey janice.”

~ every time i just answer, “hi j---. how are you?” and each time, it gets weirder and weirder. you would think after working with someone for almost 3 years, that they would finally learn your name. but apparently it has proven to be too difficult in this case.

so, as i was walking down the hall, wondering who i would be today…i ran in to j---. he says “hey jessica!” i’m like “hi, j---.” 2 hours later, he sticks his head in my office and says…”hey…your name is ---- - not jessica.” i’m like “really? ya think? what gave it away?” then he told me how much he liked my hair. everyone seems to like my hair these days…except the people that i really want to notice...

…so i guess i should start wearing my nametag to work?

why won't you just let this be your sun?

2004-11-21T01:14:00.000-06:00

people don’t know what they want these days. we just aren’t ever satisfied with what we have…we always want more. or something else. we can’t be happy with what’s given to us…or provided for us. we just have to seek something else.

i guess it’s the whole ‘the grass is always greener’ philosophy…

everything looks better when someone else has it. why else would we want other people’s jobs, homes, clothes, vehicles, boyfriends/girlfriends, lives, etc? it’s behavior that’s learned from birth. think about it…a kid can have a toy that they absolutely hate. they never play with it, but when someone comes over to play with them and wants to play with the toy…they throw the worlds biggest tantrum because it is THEIR FAVORITE TOY and “no one is allowed to play with it!” aren’t we all like that?

we can have the best job…yet be unhappy and want something else. then, when we find a new job…we so desperately want the old one back because we realize how great it was. so what if the drive was longer than we liked and some things weren’t always fair there? it was still a great job.

and what about that great guy? the one you broke up with because he was ‘too nice’? how dumb was THAT? now all that’s out there are meanies and jerks. or what about the guy that you wouldn’t date because he wasn’t quite as cool as the guy you had the intense crush on? how much did it suck to later find out that your crush was a complete jerk and the guy that liked you was the greatest…only to find out that he was now happily in a relationship and ‘sooo over you’?

i’m so guilty of looking at things with ‘the grass is always greener’ view. sometimes i think i just need to look at the reality of things. in all actuality, i’ve been provided with everything and more than i could possibly ever need. it’s all right here. i got a fortune cookie a while back that said…’you find everything you’re looking for…just open your eyes’. at the time i got it, that was an extremely profound statement to me and i swore that cookie was meant exclusively for me. i kept that little slip of paper and put it where i would see it every single day. maybe we all need to be reminded of that sometimes…instead of wishing our lives away for things we don’t have or need…maybe we should just open our eyes and appreciate the things that are right here right now.

it always rains like hell on the loser's day parade...

2004-11-17T23:11:00.000-06:00

have you ever had one of those days where it just seems like nothing goes right? where everything that happens just brings you a little farther down? well, my friends…today is that day. today is that stinking day. and i know i shouldn’t gripe, whine, fuss, complain, rant, etc…

…but, i’m so glad that i have friends who will let me do that when i need to. and who will put up with me sulking on the couch…or crying on the phone…or being ugly…or grumpy…or whatever. i guess when you worry about everything and you have a lot of different stressors, you don’t realize how much they build up…or what a toll it can take on you. add a pen-wielding state trooper to the mix…and it’s enough to make a girl break. i guess sometimes we think we’re a lot tougher than we really are.

so for what it’s worth…i’m sorry for acting like a stupid crybaby today. and i’m sorry for doing it so often…but thanks for letting me. i love you guys so much…i don’t know what i’d ever do without you.

you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time...what are you hoping for?

2004-11-16T20:01:00.000-06:00

there’s a little frog that sits on my doorstep. he’s been there off & on since i moved in. no one else in my apartment complex has frogs on their doorsteps…only me. and he’s always there.

i wonder what he would say if he could talk? sometimes i have imaginary conversations with him in my head. i even speak to him as i’m unlocking the door on occasion. and sometimes i imagine him speaking back.

i’ve even caught myself thinking before…what if he really is my prince charming? and he’s sitting on my doorstep to protect me? then i realize how ridiculous that is. i mean…that is crazy, right? it’s just the little girl in me wanting the fairy tale to be true, i guess.

and i so desperately hope that it is. maybe not necessarily in such a literal sense of frogs on my doorstep turning into men, but just the whole idea of dreams coming true, ya know…

and i’ve got a good feeling that they do :)

have heart my dear, we're bound to be afraid...

2004-11-11T22:50:00.000-06:00

it’s times like these that those strong arms wrapped around you in a comforting embrace are so important. or just someone to grab your hand and hold on to you in a ‘everything is going to be okay’ kind of way. or a shoulder to cry on when you’re shaking and scared and alone…sitting in the parking lot holding the phone in the middle of the night, unsure of what to do next. those things are all so important and you don’t know how much you miss having them until you don’t.

it’s a strange thing…how quickly our priorities can change. we can go from wondering how late we’re going to sleep the next day to whether or not our friend will even be there with us for the next five minutes. a night spent in the emergency room can help you sort some things out. it can also complicate some things. seventeen or so hours gives you a few spare minutes to do some thinking.

what if we wouldn’t have gone to the ER yesterday? what if she would’ve put it off just one more day? she could’ve died. and she’s in CCU right now under close surveillance. what if they can’t fix this? i’m so scared for her. she’s already been through so much. i can’t imagine what she must be feeling right now. she’s so scared. she just keeps saying over and over…’i could die. i could just die right now. any minute.’ what am i supposed to say to that?

i’ve been in a daze all day. it’s like it’s not real. the drive to the hospital yesterday. the countless hours spent in the waiting room. the people there. spending the night in the ER last night. waking up there this morning. the nurses and doctors and monitors and tubes….they’re all just figments of my imagination, right?

maybe i’m just delirious from the 4 hours of sleep i got last night…or maybe i just need a hug. maybe i need someone to realize that i’m sitting here crying my eyes out because i’m scared and i can’t do anything. and i just need someone to be here for me.

and there's no one that makes you feel like a someone...

2004-11-09T16:29:00.000-06:00

someone told me last night that i should think of myself as special instead of weird. and as strange as this may sound, i guess i’ve never really seen myself that way.

i’ve always viewed myself as different because there was something wrong with me…not because there was something good about me. i always thought that the reason i didn’t have a boyfriend was because no one wanted me…i’ve always felt like i wasn’t good enough. i’ve never really thought about it any other way…like maybe they aren’t good enough for me.

he also said that ‘girls like me’ are the girls that get the good guys. and even though i’ve heard that before, something makes me want to believe him this time.

he made me feel good about myself…something that no one has been able to do for a long, long time. he also gave me hope. i was beginning to doubt either one was possible for me again. and for that, i am so grateful. i bet he had no idea.

girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. you know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills...

2004-11-08T21:59:00.000-06:00

so i’m picky. i guess it’s what people refer to as ‘having standards’. whatever. i don’t know. i just know that no matter who people try to set me up with, i never like them. i always find something wrong. maybe it’s because they lack nunchuck skills…

but i think it’s because they don’t fit my list. i have a list that i keep in my Bible. on a pink piece of paper (might i add)…and when i started this entry, i was going to talk about that list and my reasoning behind everything on there…but i’ve changed my mind. i don’t think i’ll share my list with the unappreciative world. i don’t want to cheapen it by doing that. perhaps i’ll just wait and discuss it one day with whoever happens to actually BE that list. that way, i can explain to them why they are each of the things on my list.

besides, if i shared my list and someone else copied it, it would be good that they had that list but it wouldn’t be sacred to them because it wouldn’t be theirs. we all have to determine what we want and/or need. and we all have to determine whether or not we are willing to compromise in any of those areas. in my case, i refuse to compromise. the guy on my list does exist and i refuse to settle for less. he will win me over one day with his nunchuck & bowhunting skills & killer dance moves….i just know it.

mean mr mustard says he's bored of life in the district...

2004-11-07T22:27:00.000-06:00

there is a recurring theme in my blogs. and i’m beginning to get worried. in case you don’t catch on to context clues, the theme has something to do with being bored with life…and never being satisfied.

i don’t feel like i’m totally alone in feeling this way. i feel like our whole generation has been made to feel like nothing is ever good enough. we have been programmed to always desire more than what we have. and never be satisfied when we get it.

and i think that there are many other people who, like me, don’t want anyone else to really know this is how we feel. i think that we feel like it’s much easier if we just hide things away…and not expose our true selves to the world. because if we’re not vulnerable, then we can’t get hurt….right?

of course vulnerability increases your chances of being hurt, but opening up to people also allows you to experience life without feeling like a shell of a person. it allows you to create rewarding relationships with people who genuinely care about you and want to experience life with you.

why do we build up walls around ourselves? have we become so scared of getting hurt and so afraid what other people might think if they really knew the real us, that we have to build our own personal fortress to keep them out? i don’t know…but i’ve done it. i did a good job, too. it took a long time for those walls to start to come down…and i guess they’re still there to some degree…they’re just not as tall or as thick as they were.

so, what are we supposed to do? when do we stop being bored? when do we stop being scared? when do we learn to trust people and open up to people and live life with reckless abandonment? how long are we going to wait?

someday i'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me...

2004-11-04T22:28:00.000-06:00

do you ever just wish you could go back?

i wish i just had one more day…one more day as that little blonde-headed 5 year old whose big blue eyes were full of nothing but sparkling daydreams of castles and candy canes and cotton-candy clouds and fairy godmothers and prince charmings and loudmouth animal friends who lived in the forest in lands far, far away.

i wish i had one more day to live in total and complete innocence. before i knew that the world was a cruel place and when i thought that people were just supposed to be good ‘because God said so’. before i knew that boys and girls were, in fact, very ‘different’ and before i understood the need for keeping their bathrooms separate. when i didn’t understand why momma couldn’t ‘just write a check’ when she told me that she didn’t have any money.

i want to go back to the days when i could sit under the tree in my grandma’s yard in nothing but my underwear and make mud pies for my family all day and when it got time to clean up and go inside, be perfectly content with just getting sprayed off with the waterhose…

when chasing bees on the playground was an acceptable pastime and kindergarten wedding ceremonies were a common occurrence.

i want to fight with my bubba over who is going to sit on daddy’s ‘window leg’ when we go somewhere and beg daddy to let us ‘bail out’ of the boat at the lake ~ oblivious to the fish and snakes and funk that is lurking beneath the surface.

i want to ride my bike down our gravel road at full speed and not care when i fall and skin my knees or if my pigtails get caught around the spokes. i want to drink coffee with my grandpa and his friends and pretend to understand what they are talking about. i want to spend hours outside running around with my cats and dogs and laying in the grass reading books and making daisy chains and picking roses from the rose garden and being completely filthy from head to toe when it’s time to come inside and throw a bossy little hissy fit when it’s time to wash and dry my nappy hair.

i just wish i had one more day to go back to those times because i remember being happy then. i remember feeling totally free and never worrying about anything. now, i just feel so…responsible. i wonder if i’ll ever feel that way again…happy and free with no strings attached? i know that girl is still in there…i still feel her sometimes…begging to be set free. what will it take for me to be content? and who is going to help me find that place again?

and maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again...well i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. don't think so.

2004-11-02T01:38:00.000-06:00

so if i learned anything over the past couple of days, it’s to value the special people in your life and to hold things loosely. we’re not guaranteed another day on this earth….as a matter of fact, we’re not guaranteed another 5 minutes. make sure the people you hold dear know how much you value them….don’t assume that ‘they just know’ how you feel. and don’t say ‘i’ll tell them some day’ because that some day might not ever get here. love people now. spend time with them now. live life now. while you can. and don’t place so much emphasis on ‘stuff’. material stuff is just junk. junk that doesn’t matter. cds, shoes, trucks, clothes, books, guitars (*gasp*), or whatever you collect or surround yourself with…it’s all insignificant crap. don’t spend so much of your time obsessing over acquiring so much material crap that you miss out on the best things in life…which actually aren’t things at all, but are other people. so get your butt out from behind this stupid computer and go spend some time with somebody you care about. spread some love and stuff. life’s too short not to.

we're still building, then burning down love

2004-10-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

we’re all busy, right? there’s smallville to watch, friends to call, back issues of rolling stone to catch up on, concerts to attend, movies to watch, road trips, homework?, (not to mention all of the stuff that we’re supposed to do)…and the list just goes on and on…

i seriously don’t know how any of us have time to even sleep. as a matter of fact, if we wouldn’t drop dead from exhaustion…we probably wouldn’t make time for sleep, either.

i know, i know…no one needs proof to believe that we are all busy. my question is: with everything that God has provided to keep us entertained and occupied, are we giving enough of our time back to Him?

now, i don’t mean are we spending time in a soup kitchen or behind a counselor’s desk. i don’t mean are we handing out clothes at the salvation army or teaching a sunday school class. all of these things are awesome and they are exactly what God wants us to do…

…but, just because we have a ministry and are spending time with that ministry doesn’t mean that our relationship with Christ is growing or benefiting in any way. just because we are involved in a ministry doesn’t mean we have the ‘get out of sunday school free’ card. we shouldn’t get so wrapped up in ‘our’ own ministries and work for God that we forget about our own spiritual walk. we should ask ourselves daily: ‘what have i done today to strengthen my relationship with God?’ or ‘have i spent enough time with God today?’ chances are the answer will always be no. we could always pray more. we could always do more. we could always be more. because we were meant for more than the rest of the world. and all God desires is to be our friend. we are His children and He just wants to spend time with us. He just wants to love us and to hang out. why won’t we let him? the more time we spend in His Word and in prayer talking to Him and just in His presence will strengthen our relationship with Him and will in turn strengthen our ministry and bless our lives more than we could ever imagine!

check out miss insanity's blog. very insightful. i just love this chick. http://www.joyfulinsanity.blogspot.com

i love the way you love, but i hate the way i'm supposed to love you back.

2004-10-27T23:26:00.000-05:00

why are we as humans such selfish creatures by nature? why do we always want what we can’t have or don’t need? and why do we take advantage of other people and take each other for granted?

because as an intelligent friend so eloquently implied, humans are inherently evil. we are evil & selfish by nature when we are influenced by the wicked world.

see, i’ve always been what people call a ‘dreamer’. i’ve always believed in the inherent ‘good’ in people and believed in fairytales and romance and blah blah blah. and i guess that starry-eyed girl is still in there somewhere…she’s just become a bit jaded lately due to some ‘unfortunate events’. i would like to believe that there is still some good left in people, and that it’s possible for people to appreciate each other and love each other and get along with each other, etc. (i would also like to believe that the frog who lives outside my front door would magically turn into dave gimenez one day and lay a big fat kiss on me and ask me to run away with him where we would live happily ever after somewhere on the tooth & nail touring circuit…getting married somewhere along the way and acquiring several children…) but i digress…

we use people for our own benefit until we use them up and then we move on. that’s not the way God intended for us to live. we are here to love each other and be living examples of Him and His love. if everyone would give to others instead of only taking, then no one would feel ‘used up’ because everyone would be constantly replenished. but, ‘the world’ tells us that we should only be concerned with ourselves and let others fend for themselves. and we listen…even as Christians. i have heard the phrase ‘you better believe i’m gonna get mine’ or some variation of it so many times that it seriously makes me physically ill. i mean….whatthacrap?

we take and we take and we take. and what ends up happening is, the people that actually do care and love and give end up getting hurt, used, abused, and thrown away. and eventually…those people will cease to exist.

i think it’s time that we all re-examine our lives (myself included) and stop taking advantage of others and taking people for granted. we should pray that God will teach us how to be givers instead of just takers. and that we will learn to be thankful for everyone that is special in our lives…whether they be family, friends, church family, co-workers, schoolmates, teammates, band mates, complete strangers, or whatever. take the time to appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. and learn how to show your appreciation in ways that will be appreciated right back!

and yes…i’m talking to myself here.

they know how to break all the girls like you

2004-10-25T20:24:00.000-05:00

it’s an interesting thing: advice. we’re all eager to give it, but not so eager to receive it sometimes. well, i take that back…we’re eager to receive it if we ask for it. it’s the unsolicited advice that’s hard to swallow sometimes.

what makes this advice so hard to stomach is knowing the motives behind it. if they were pure, the advice would be welcomed with open arms. but, when someone offers advice under the guise of helpfulness when they actually have a self-serving agenda…well, i just don’t know what to make of that.

i mean…what good does that really do? it’s not helping anyone. all it does is breed confusion, hurts feelings, and possibly ruins friendships. none of which anyone wants.

now, i’ll be the first to admit that you can’t help how you feel. i am a textbook example of the heart never contacting the brain…EVER. but sometimes, you have to look at things realistically and see that letting your feelings get in the way can cause major problems. i mean, there are things that i want, but know are impossible for me to have and if i pursued those things, i would be minus some friends right now. but never, would i ever pretend to be someone’s friend just because i perceived them as a threat to what i want. nor would i offer ‘helpful’ advice to remove them from the situation so i would have better access to what i want.

girls are so petty and ridiculous sometimes. and people wonder why my best friends are guys.

i don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack...

2004-10-24T01:22:00.000-05:00

i am fascinated with old things. they don’t really have to be of any value. i’m not talking like ‘antiques roadshow’ stuff here. i just mean anything old. i always have been. i think it has something to do with my level of curiosity being a little higher than the average person’s. i will buy junk that i don’t need just because it’s old and looks cool. even if i don’t have a place to put it or i know i will never use it in a million years. or if i don’t buy it, i will have the overwhelming urge to really bad…just because it’s old and i really really THINK that i might possibly need it someday.

so, today some friends and i go to antique alley and look around in a few shops for a couple of hours. i could do that all the time. i’m certain there is a story behind everything i pick up. and i want to know what it is. everything there was a part of someone’s life at some point. what was that person like? were they nice? mean? beautiful? rich? sad? lonely? who were they? did they have lots of family and friends? were they ever in love?

every piece of clothing could tell a story. every record holds some memory. every plate, glass, blanket, gun, trinket, toy…they all meant something to somebody at some point. who wore that letter jacket? that soldier’s uniform? that party dress?

my mind was just racing all day with elaborate stories of love, heartache, family, happiness…life. the stories in my mind couldn’t keep up with what my eyes were seeing. i had so many questions about the things that were there…and no one with answers.

but even with all of the questions that these fascinating treasures presented to me today, only one still lingers with me. will the stuff i had in my life end up in some dusty old store one day for people like me to rummage through? i don’t want my life to be reduced to that. now, if someone wants all of my crap when i’m gone…whatever…they can have it. cause i mean, i know i have accumulated LOTS of random useless junk over the years…i think the ability to do that goes along with having my last name. but what i think our trip down someone else’s memory lane today has reminded me of the most is…i have to make my life count now because once i’m gone all that will be left is some ugly clothes and crappy cds. so, i’m going to make a conscious effort to do more. to be more. to be who i should be and do the things i should do and make things count. i’m going to try to stop being so selfish and focus on my reason for being here in the first place.

but my dreams, they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be...

2004-10-23T01:12:00.000-05:00

me: why don’t you want to talk today?

5 yr old: (shrugs shoulders)

me: am i scary?

kid: (laughs) no…you’re not scary.

me: hmm…ok, well…(thinking to myself….)

him: …but your eyes are.

me: what? what’s scary about my eyes?

kid: because they are blue.

(seriously?)

so there ya go.
I have scary blue eyes.
THAT’S why boys don’t like me.

you are young & life is long & there is time to kill today...

2004-10-20T01:38:00.000-05:00

how much of our lives are wasted? how much time do we throw away on pointless things? and how often do we just not care?

last sunday, i watched 5 episodes of smallville. 6 if you count the one i watched twice and 6 ½ if you count the ½ of an episode that i had to re-watch because i fell asleep. it doesn’t get much more worthless than that.

AND i slept until noon on saturday.

one would think that a young, single woman would have more to do than sit around and lust over…um i mean, stare at tom welling *sigh* or a denzel flick or some gruesome video game that my friends are obsessed with playing (and i’m inexplicably mesmerized by).

and yes – i do have things to do. i could clean my apartment. i could clean my truck. i could read a book. or my Bible. visit a friend in jackson. or alexandria. visit my family. study. there are millions of things i could have been doing this weekend, but instead i chose to go to football games, stare at a tv screen, and sleep. i am officially extremely lazy.

and it feels oh so good.

and sometimes a girl just needs that.

done with fish.

2004-10-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

sometimes you want something for so long, and you become so fixated on finding it that it begins to own you. and once that happens, you no longer belong to yourself, but to that thing…to that longing…to that obsession. and maybe you don’t set out for this to happen…it’s actually quite the opposite. you’ve probably set out on your journey in search of freedom. and somewhere along the way, your search begins to own you.

so what do you do when you find yourself in such a predicament?

you let it go.

which is what i am having to learn how to do. and it’s actually quite difficult. it’s hard to know that the one thing you’ve always wanted is just beyond your reach and yet never be able to grasp it. it’s extremely hard to have that space in your life just aching to be filled and no one that wants to fill it. it’s so very difficult to have so much love in your heart and no one to give it to. no one that wants it.

and it’s that sense of rejection that causes me to close my tear-filled eyes, broken-hearted at night…and i just can’t do it anymore. i’m sick of feeling worthless and not good enough when i know that i am. i know i’m better than how i feel and i don’t understand what’s wrong with me.

i know that God has someone perfect picked out for me. i know He’s got someone that’s all of the things on my list and then some. and i know that he’s right where he needs to be right now. and i know i’m right where i need to be right now. and i know that when the time is right, we’ll be together and everything will be exactly how God has planned it. but even though i know that, the stubborn and impatient little girl in me still questions why that time can’t be right now. and that’s why i get so mad at myself. i get so mad because it’s like i haven’t learned anything in 25 flippin years. why can’t i just wait? why does it have to be right now?

i guess i just want to feel needed. and loved. and i’m scared to death that i never will be.

now, don’t get me wrong…i don’t feel like i have to have somebody to be happy. because despite my gloom & doom blog rantings, i am a fairly happy person. i like my life. i just think it would be nice to have someone to share it with…that’s all.

“now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” ~ Hebrews 11:1…you see, i’m trying to work on this whole faith thing because here lately i seem to be lacking in that department. so, i have to let this go. and i really mean it. i can’t worry about it anymore. i have to give it to God completely instead of partially like i have in the past. i know i can’t control it and i have to stop trying.

so, do you hear that, mister man of my dreams? i’m done. this one is between you and God. because i can’t do it anymore. and i’m not going anywhere…so you know where to find me. just please don’t make me wait forever.

if we were our defenses, i'd be joining you.

2004-10-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

blog blog blog blog blog blog blog.

that’s what i see when i read other people’s blog’s. other people that i don’t know, of course. do other people see that when they read mine? do other people read mine?

don’t get me wrong, i enjoy delving off into other people’s lives, but as soon as they start talking about susie stealing jake from tabitha, or what flavor nutragrain bar they had for breakfast, i kind of lose interest…ya know…considering…’i don’t know those people’… (to steal a quote from a friend)

so, what’s the attraction? why do we put our innermost thoughts, dreams, stories, lies, our whole lives on this…robotic system to be exposed – naked for the world to see? why would we voluntarily do that to ourselves? and why would we want to read about the lives of complete strangers?

curiosity. to fill a void. and because computers don’t require a commitment. sad, but true. this is the sick, sick world in which we live.

there is no pain, you are receding

2004-10-13T21:16:00.000-05:00

on the way to work today I was having one of my sporadic talks with God. as i was apologizing for not visiting with Him more often, i was in awe of how amazingly beautiful this morning was.

after thanking Him for that, i got around to what was really on my mind. a conversation with a friend last night caused me to have some major questions. questions that i’ve always had, but have been afraid to ask because i thought i was the only one that saw it. but now i know i’m not.

what is wrong with us? why are we all so ‘mildly depressed?’ and it’s not just me and my group of friends, either. although we have more than our share of it. it’s our whole generation. with no logical explanation.

i mean, what makes us so restless? what is it that’s brewing just underneath the surface? what is that little thing that everyone knows is there but no one wants to talk about? what burden is so great that we think we can handle it all on our own…only to drive ourselves to the point of insanity or worse? what is this thing that’s hanging over our heads…slowly sucking the life out of us? why are we suffocating in our own bodies? drowning in ourselves? what is killing me & my friends?

and are we really so blind that we don’t see it?

what makes a person think that the only answer is driving their vehicle off the road into a light pole? or putting a .45 to their temple? or someone else’s? what makes jumping off the golden gate bridge seem logical? or what makes us think that there is comfort waiting at the bottom of a bottle of valium, xanax, vodka, or a mixture of the three?

maybe it’s not comfort we’re after…maybe it’s just the numbness we seek. i don’t know. i don’t have the answers. obviously if i did, i wouldn’t be asking these questions and sounding like the poor, pathetic loser of a person that i feel like sometimes. maybe the truth is, we all feel like failures because we will never live up to the expectations that the world has set for us and we don’t know how to deal with that. i just don’t know.

whatever it is, it’s killing us. and if we don’t do something about it soon, it just might win.

how to get a man 101

2004-10-12T23:12:00.000-05:00

“would you call a boy?” she asked.

“probably not,” i defeatingly replied.

“real women don’t like that honey,” she told him as she shook her head and glared disapprovingly.

“come over here and sit by me and i’ll tell you everything you need to know,” she tells me or anyone else that would take her up on the offer.

we all just sat there laughing…but for all practical purposes, we might as well have been catatonic.

“i just don’t know about you kids these days,” she says.

so, some friends and i got a lesson tonight in how to get a significant other. or at least i think we did. we got a lesson in something. about something. and i think it had to do with significant others. but i’m not really sure it was explanatory.

at any rate, i learned that i am not aggressive enough…and that men like that. i also learned that if it takes being aggressive in order to get a man, then i will probably never get one because i was always taught that ‘girls shouldn’t chase guys’ and it’s the ‘guys place to ask the girl out’ and blah blah blah…so it’s hard to unlearn 25 years of life’s lessons.

and i also learned that since i ‘turned out to be a dude’ that i’m destined to never be that girl that makes guys all flutterpated and turn into baby-talking piles of mush. and i guess i’m okay with that…as long as they let me play with their he-man toys.

do i have an original thought in my head?

2004-10-12T18:23:00.000-05:00

you might find that i title these blogs with whatever lines from songs, books, or films that are in my head at the moment. you also might find yourself getting tired of the titles of my blog entries. just know that you are welcome to stop reading at any time and move on to the next piece of literary art that is posted on the world wide web for more gratifying reading enjoyment that is better suited to your tastes.

i write what i’m thinking at the time that i’m thinking it. i write it for me and for the pleasure of my audience…which right now is a consistent…one person. and that’s cool. whatever. i don’t care if nobody reads this rubbish. it’s just the thought that someone might…that makes me continue to write.

mothers are all slightly insane

2004-10-11T01:15:00.000-05:00

“guess who i sat by at the football game, sara?”

“i don’t even want to know,” sara replied with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“caleb’s dad. i met caleb’s dad…and i sat by him during the entire football game!,” said the mom.

“holy crap. i don’t even want to know what you said…let’s just go. now!,” begged the wide-eyed, slightly embarrassed teenager.

on the way to the car the mother grabbed a man’s arm and to the teenager’s horror asked, “hey sara…do you know who this is? this is caleb’s dad!”

sara immediately burst into hysterical laughter as tears began to stream down her face. as she ran off into the crowd, she stumbled upon her friends who were immediately concerned.

‘sara? what’s wrong? can you breathe? where’s your mom?”

after explaining that her mother had embarrassed her beyond all embarrassment to the point of tears that night in front of the father of the only guy that matters in the universe, they were sympathetic of her situation. as they were helping her to the car, amid discussions of the possibility of her next 3 years of high school spent being home-schooled (because she could obviously never show her face in front of caleb again), who does she run in to? as fate would have it, she found herself staring into the eyes of boy-wonder himself.

after another mortified scream, she bolted away to the car where she found her mother waiting…oblivious to the public humiliation she had just suffered. as she was running off, she heard her friend say…”hey caleb! sara’s mom just met your dad!”

she wanted to just die right there.

it’s probably going to take a while to convince my little sister that my mom is not out to ruin her life…that she just wants to be a part of it. And she probably does indeed think that our mother is slightly insane. And i will probably not argue with her there…because we all are slightly insane. but she’s also a good mom. and she cares about her kids. she even brought me groceries today cause i’ve been sick all weekend. i hope i’m a good mom like that one day…and only slightly insane. i don’t have far to go on that insane part.

there's someone in my head but it's not me.

2004-10-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

so it’s been a weird week. just when i thought everything was going good in my life, it all suddenly feels like the walls are closing in on me and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe every single minute. why is that?

could it be that i let it get past the point of repair when i first noticed the signs that something was wrong? or could it just be that i’m weak enough to believe everything the lunatic in my head is telling me? maybe it’s both.

i shouldn’t feel this way. i have 2 degrees and i have no clue what i want to do with my life. i am a train wreck of a girl. sometimes i wonder if i’ll be this way forever or if one day, i’ll suddenly be ok.

why does it seem impossible for me to just be content? why can’t i be happy with where i am now? why do i feel like there is something i’m missing out on? when will it ever just be ok?

i want to just give this all to God and stop worrying about it. i know there are people out there with much greater problems than mine. but…why is it so hard for me to let go? why do i feel the need to agonize over every single little detail of my life? i don’t have a problem with asking Him to take care of it…i just have a problem with loosening my grip. i think it all comes down to control. i want to control things that i have no control over and it kills me. it freakin kills me.

i’m hoping after reading this pitiful excuse of a blog, it will make me realize how pathetic i am and hopefully then i will stop feeling sorry for myself and make some changes. i guess we’ll all just have to wait and see.

and charles, i have to apologize…there is no humor or insight here…i should’ve warned you beforehand. sorry bout that.

may i come in, grab hold, just this once

2004-10-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

so i was riding down the road with a friend this past weekend when he made a statement that really got me to thinking about some things. he said…’sometimes i don’t know why people want us to come places…we’re not what they want.’

now, that statement seems harmless enough…but looking at it in the context of where we were and what we were there for, i realized he was totally wrong. we were gathered together with a few people in the middle of nowhere for one reason only…and that reason was to bring glory to God.

we seemed to all have left our problems a million miles away. the day was perfect…the sky was gorgeous, and the speaking & music were spirit-filled. everything about that afternoon was absolutely beautiful. there is no doubt our Father was smiling as we worshipped Him together.

we are put in certain places at certain times in our lives to serve certain purposes. it doesn’t matter if we don’t think we’re ‘good enough’ or if we think ‘we’re not what they’re looking for’, we’re all part of a bigger plan. we have to be willing to stop fighting God and running from Him like rebellious children and just be still and listen to what He’s telling us to do. all He wants is for us to love Him and let Him love us. that’s all we have to do. if we do that, then everything else will fall into place. we just have to listen when He’s speaking…and sometimes He does that best in the stillest, quietest, most beautiful and unlikeliest of places.

so lay down, the threat is real

2004-09-30T23:01:00.000-05:00

do you think it’s possible? possible to erase someone from your memory? maybe not erase them in the literal sense of deranged little men sneaking into your room at night to hook computers and wires up to your head to suck the memories out, but to just literally push the person out of your mind forever?

i think it’s quite possible indeed. i think that one of the greatest gifts we were given by our creator was the gift of memory. the absolute greatest being of course, the ability to love…and the desire for that love to be reciprocated. but memory…that’s a pretty cool one, too. and i think that since we were given the ability to remember certain people, places, and occurrences, we were also given the ability to forget them if we choose to do so.

there will always be things in your life that you wish you could re-live, but that’s not always the best choice. sometimes, the very best thing you can do is to learn from the past and be thankful for the experiences that you’ve had because those experiences make you who you are today. years spent obsessing over past mistakes or heartaches will just be futile attempts to search for something you’re never going to find. the only way to true happiness is to accept the past and move on…because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

now…i’m not saying don’t go apologize to someone if you’ve wronged them in the past and you know you owe them an apology. i’m just saying don’t spend your life waiting for an apology from someone that ‘owes it’ to you and don’t spend your life in a bitter state of hatred for that person either.

that being said, love the people who are in your life. embrace them and love them with all your heart. let them know how much they are loved and appreciated. and don’t ever let anything come between you and those special relationships in your life. if someone hurts you, do everything you can to make it right…don’t take the ‘easy’ road out and try to block that person out of your mind and your life. if you do, you will be making a monumental mistake. special people and special relationships don’t come along every day and even though they are very strong, they are also extremely fragile. treasure them and protect them…you might not realize just how valuable they are to you until they’re gone.

...i've just come to read the meter

2004-09-29T20:23:00.000-05:00

ah...so it's been a fairly normal day. normal if you include the kid that peed on my office floor and the 11 year old that asked me 'how do you know when it's the right time to have sex?'...and lest we forget the laborious hours upon hours spent 'mentoring' the 'graduate' student intern that is under my direct supervision this year. he just doesn't quite get it.

so, you guessed it...this entry is about sex. when the little girl asked me 'how do you know when it's the right time?', i asked her...'the right time for what?' (i'm thinking surely she doesn't mean sex)...but alas...she does. i immediately want to tell her that sex should come with an age limit...like alcohol and cigarettes....you should have to be at least 18 years old - preferrably older. i also want to tell her that you should not have sex unless you are emotionally stable...this of course, would rule out the whole entire world....because really, are any of us really emotionally stable? (insert angry girl commentary here)

of course, i refrained from exposing my true self to this child. instead, i gave her a typical, safe...social work-ish answer. i thought this would do, until i realized that she still had a blank look on her face and i didn't feel any better about what i had just told her. so, at this point...i decide to throw all social work skills out the window and just tell them (she came back with reinforcements) what i know from my experience as a female.

i told them that 12 year old boys only think about one thing. their main agenda is to find a girl that will have sex with them so that they can tell their friends. and they will do and say anything in order to make that happen. they're not necessarily out to hurt you on purpose...it's just how they're programmed. and it doesn't get any better when they are 13 or 16 or 22 for that matter. i told them that 12 year old boys do not know what love is and if they tell you that they love you, then they are liars. and no matter how much you may want them to love you, having sex with them won't make it true. i told them that there is a whole world outside of the halls of their school and once they get out there and discover it, they will be so glad they didn't fall for the stupid lines these guys are trying to feed them. i told them that there are good christian guys out there that will respect them and love them for who they are and will want to be with them because they said no instead of using them up because they said yes and leaving them alone to pick up the pieces and start over again. and these good guys...these are the ones they'll really want to be with...these are the guys they'll want to spend the rest of their lives with...these are the keepers. nobody wants the guy that doesn't care about anyone but sleeps with everyone who will let him just because she's there...that's gross. there is more to a relationship than just sex...there should be anyway; otherwise it won't last very long or be very happy. a relationship is an emotional attachment between 2 people...you have to spend time together and become friends before you can become emotionally attached. sex doesn't automatically make that attachment for you. if done out of order, it forms attachments in all the wrong ways and leaves you to figure out what to do about it. i told them they are the only ones that will be able to make the call about when it's the 'right' time for them...i just hope that they use good judgement and i hope that it's a long long long time from now...preferrably when they have a ring on their finger, ya know?

after i launched in to this lecture, i realized there was a great possibility they were totally tuning me out as the old nerdy woman that didn't have a clue...but when i was done one of them actually hugged me and said thanks for being so cool and telling us something that we can actually use. kind of makes me remember what prompted me to change my major that 3rd time.

how ironic. the chronically single girl giving advice on sex & relationships....wonder what's next?

so i had a really great post written...it took me well over an hour. guess what? i got ready to post it and the whole page froze. i got mad and kicked the desk...said a few ugly things to the screen. it didn't make my words magically reappear. so now...the crappy entry will have to do. me and my prehistoric earth computer.

i'm not vain...

2004-09-28T21:38:00.000-05:00

do you ever wonder what you look like?

no...i mean what you really look like. like...to other people. i wonder that sometimes. i had this conversation with my friend, karla. and you know...i'm sure i see something totally different in the mirror than other people see. i want to know what they see when they look at me. what do i really look like? and do i look different to different people?

do they see someone that appears to have it all together? or do they see that i don't really have a clue? do they see a confident woman or a scared little girl? do they see a poor girl in her mid-twenties that couldn't get a date if she paid for it? or do they just see one of the guys? am i ugly? pretty? too fat? too short? too this? too that? maybe the truth is...i'm a little bit of all of that. maybe i'm a walking contradiction.

i think the greater question here is...why do i care? it's not that it really matters what i look like...i'm just curious as to how others see me. how far off is my image of myself from everyone else's image of me? and how does that compare with how i want to be viewed? because truth be known...i really don't care what i look like. i'm never going to be pamela anderson or rachael leigh cook or lana lang. i'm just going to have to make the best of what i have...and be happy with it. and one day, somebody is going to love me for who i am and not what he wants me to look like...i just hope that happens sometime in the next 20 years so i can enjoy it before the alzheimer's sets in.

so let me in your world...for a while

2004-09-28T20:17:00.000-05:00

so...i'm a cheater. i'm officially cheating on diary-x. it's not that i don't love d-x, but i'm not good with templates and all...and i've really screwed mine up as of late. i decided to type a new entry last night since my last one was in FREAKING JANUARY! and anyway...the counter was messed up...now the text is all messed up...etc, etc. so as i'm cursing the whole d-x world and all things related to it...i'm thinking i really need to find something new....either xanga or a blog or something. SOMETHING has to be easier than this....right?

and then...i get home today and check my email and what do ya know? my good friend tells me that he now has a blog. and so i go read it and am immediately intimidated. he's so good. and intelligent. AND funny. how does one person get to be all of those things? and i'm intimidated because i know i'm going to get a blog and it will never be as good as his. it will never be anywhere close. actually, the only real reason i wanted a blog is so i can make comments on his blog. how sad is that? my blog actually sucks that bad...that it shouldn't even exist. wow.

so, that being said...no one will probably ever read this. with the exception of my friend that inspired it's birth. and if he ever does read it, it will probably either be out of pity or because he needs a good laugh. hey...i do what i can.