lately i'm alright...and lately i'm not scared...

so, it's been quite a while since i've written anything. this has been a crazy year. i can't believe that my sweet baby girl is already a year old. it really does seem like i just blinked and she went from baby to toddler. she is the sweetest, funniest, cuddliest, amazing little person i've ever known. matt and i are both blessed much more than we deserve. when i found out we were going to have her, i was scared to death. and i've spent most of the last year being scared. i finally figured out that it's not her i've been scared of this whole time.
...it's me. i'm scared i won't be a good mom. i'm scared i won't know what to do. i'm scared i can't take care of her like she needs me to. i'm scared i'll warp her for life. i just want to be the best wife and mother i can possibly be. and sometimes that takes real effort.
work today was crazy and exhausting. tomorrow is not going to be much easier. tonight, i realized just how much my work affects my family. i'm going to try to stop bringing things home with me. that's a very hard task when you're a social worker and it's your job to hear and handle other people's problems all day. i'm not really sure what i was wanting to say tonight. i think i've just missed writing and i wanted to be sure that i still knew how. i still know...i just wonder if i'll ever be semi-good at it.

did you notice when the clock stopped running?

so, i've been slacking on my page quite a bit. it's not because there's nothing to say...it's because there is everything to say and i have no idea where to start.

i'm having a baby tomorrow morning. while i'm extremely ready for her to be here, i'm not sure i'm prepared to be a mama. i mean, i still feel like a kid. i was just getting used to the wife thing when we found out about eva kate. and while we couldn't be happier, we just didn't have the whole parent thing mapped out yet.

i hope that we give her what she needs...and i hope that we know what she needs. i hope that we're responsible enough to actually take care of a tiny human. i hope that we have enough sense not to run out of diapers. i hope we can wade through the huge amounts of advice we've been given and pick out what will really work. i hope that she's happy and that she feels loved 100% of the time. i hope that she will be weird like her parents...otherwise we won't have much to talk about when she gets older. but most of all, i hope she loves us as much as we love her.

there are a lot of things i'm worried about. i'm worried if we can afford her. i'm worried if we'll know what to do with her. i'm worried that i won't know what her cries mean. i'm worried that i won't know what to do or say when she comes to me with the difficult questions. i'm worried that the surgery goes well. i'm worried that she'll have trouble with her blood sugar. i'm worried that...well, i'm just worried. but, i am not worried about her father. he is going to be, actually he already is, the best daddy i could've ever imagined for my little girl. he loves her so much already...it's all over his face. it's in his voice. sometimes he just looks at my belly and smiles so big. he's the wise one. he's the leader of our family. i know he will be able to give her everything she needs. i just hope i can teach her how to cook. i think he's pretty much got everything else covered.

so, tomorrow is the big day. at 7 am, we will get to meet this tiny little person that we've been talking to and dreaming of for so long. we'll get to hold her and kiss her and just stare at her. our new family will be even newer when she gets here. it blows my mind just to think about it. i love her so much already...i can't imagine the feeling when i'll finally get to hold her in my arms.

i guess, you'd say...what can make me feel this way?

so, my last post was a little off on the time thing. we had been married 5 1/2 months when we found OUT that we were going to be parents. now, we've been married for a year and almost 3 months. and in another 2, we'll have a baby girl. that's right...it's a GIRL. eva katherine (eva kate) should be here around the end of november. we're so excited. her room is mostly ready (oh, by the way...we bought a house in august) and we're trying to learn as much as we can about actually taking care of a baby. it's a little scary when you think about it. so, we've been really busy and are so excited for our little girl. everyone we know is pregnant. it's crazy. but, we're all doing good and can't wait for the weeks to keep flying by.

i never write anymore...

so, i know it's been a while. it seems like time has flown from the time i got engaged until now. we've barely been married 5 1/2 months and now...we're having a baby. we are so excited. our due date is november 24. we find out if it's a girl or a boy on june 26th. hopefully, i'll be able to post about that visit before i actually have the baby! i truly apologize for being such a slacker. it just seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. speaking of not enough hours, i'm off to bed. this pregnancy is zapping my energy.

...and now i see.

so, in case you haven't heard...I'M MARRIED! haha...so, maybe i've been neglecting this blog for a very long time. i've just been enjoying life...planning a wedding, moving, getting married and being a newlywed. and it's been absolutely amazing. i never knew i could love life this much. so much has happened since my last post, that i don't even know where to start. we got a new kitten (kind of by accident)...so we're also busy being parents to the old cat (alli) and the new baby cat (dinah). things are also going really good for matt's band. im so excited that they are happy with what they are doing...and i think God is happy, too. i've changed jobs...well, i still work for the same hospital. i guess i just changed departments. anyway, i've gone from working with kids at school to working with the elderly in an outpatient psychiatric program. i like both...i've yet to decide which one i like the most. i got to go to houston last weekend with the guys and we had SUCH fun. well, i did...i guess they did, too. i enjoyed doing what we were there for, but i REALLY enjoyed getting to go shopping! the woodlands has some great shops.
on another note...everyone i know is pregnant. i think it's an epidemic. what's up with that?
so, to sum things up...i'm sorry i've been gone so long and i'm quite sure that there is no one left that actually reads this thing. but just in case there is...life is good.

so in case you haven't heard....

...i'm ENGAGED!

it's a long way down...to the place where we started from.

i can't believe it's been almost a year. it's been by far, the best year of my life...it's just gone by so quickly. i laugh now when i think how scared i was. i used to get this sick, nervous feeling in my stomach every time the words tried to come out of my mouth and i'd wrap my arms around myself tighter and tighter...trying to hold them inside just a little while longer. when they finally came spewing out, it was like i was some child eager to tell something they know they aren't supposed to. it was awkward, hilarious, honest, scarey, amazing and about a million other things all at once. i've never been so sure i was going to throw up in my entire life...but somehow, i didn't. words don't even begin to come close to what i've learned about myself, life, and love over the past year or so...so i won't even try. just know that God has given me a gift that i don't deserve, but i will do my best to make sure that i honor that gift with the respect and love that it deserves. i'm more thankful than anyone could ever know.